Anam Cara

Transitions . . .

2011-09-23T06:48:00.002-05:00

Life and Face Book has taken me away from this blog . . . and if I am honest the lack of traffic has also . . . this blog has actually been like a personal journal and that is OK, but on Face Book I seem to have connected with people and been able to in cyper space engage in some amazing discussions.

CPE has finished . . . I have a new position . . . well, not quite yet -- am still going through the background check.

Am contemplating starting a new blog -- this one with my real name . . . still thinking on this. Maybe will just stick to Face Book for engagement and this blog for personal journaling and if people read it so be it.

Lydia

Been a way for a while . . .

2011-07-24T10:59:00.003-05:00

life has interruped. I am now in the 4th Unit of CPE and am frantically wondering about my future . . . I still believe that God has a plan for me, but am wondering exactly what it is?

I have begun to second guess myself . . . I thought chaplaincy was my new calling, but I am feeling a call to be back in the local church as a partner in ministry with a congregation who is foreward thinking and progressive and feels the urge to follow Jesus into the mission field. So have been updating my "resume" and looking on-line for churches that might fit that bill.

There is one in New Orleans, but I just don't know . . . would we be a good fit . . . I don't know, but I think we might . . . if anyone is reading this please join me in prayer that God directs my path as I look for where God is calling me to serve God's people in my future . . . and speaking through anxiety, pray that it will be soon.

Grace and peace,

Lydia

In a funk . . .

2011-04-08T09:06:00.002-05:00

It has been a while since I have posted to this blog … I often wonder the reason I keep it going at all … it is more about me … about me having a place to write … about having a place to remember.

This CPE Program has been such a blessing and paradoxically a cruse! It has caused me to look honesty at myself and I don't always like what I see. Perhaps, this is a growing edge for me … seeing things in my life that I would like to change … that I have the power to change.

I struugle with relationships … I always have … I always will. As an introvert it is hard for me to let people in … as a moody person it is hard for me to always be up. I am in that kind of funk now … there are many things converging leading me to this place … I think the major one is I am feeling my own mortality … it had dawned on me that I will definitely outlive my Mother and perhaps my sister … then I will be alone … really alone … and this makes me sad.

My sister has a very severe autoimmune disorder … I have read a lot about it … people use to die, but now not so much … but in the past 6 months 3 people who have been patients at the hospital have died from the disorder … she is not doing well … her disorder is very, very severe … according to a friend who is a pathologist hers is the worst he has seen.

Praying for the Spirit to heal this funk,

Lydia

Unit 2 ends . . .

2011-03-07T09:09:00.003-06:00

It is hard to believe that I am now 1/2 through Clinical Pastoral Education . . . it has been really hard work . . . not the physical work although this is emotionally hard . . . the hard part is the internal work that is so intimately connected to doing CPE.

It is frustrating also . . . some of the folks in the program are so resistant to the internal work . . . so resistant that they, even, work hard to keep others from doing that work.

I am also in the process of beginning the "job" search . . . this was/is a year of discernment . . . whether I would return to the church in a ministry role or whether I would seek secular employment as a chaplain . . . although I think I am being called to the later, I am still open . . . the photo speaks volume of how I feel most days . . . perhaps as an associate pastor for pastoral care . . . life is always, imho, about discerning God's path so in a sense life, at least for me, is always a little confusing.

The Prayer Dilemma . . .

2011-01-23T09:56:00.003-06:00

Prayer has been a reoccurring issue in this CPE Residency . . . first, one of my colleagues -- a Roman Catholic priest -- indicated my prayers during pre-surgery rounds were too long . . . of course, he only heard my prayers as he (the Chaplain assigned to do these rounds while the on-call Chaplain is to assist) insisted we go together and he had me pray for non-Catholics (a whole different issue!) . . . as I indicated to him my prayers are no longer than the ones he reads from his prayer book.

After this my supervisor kept telling me to keep my prayers short -- she was specifically speaking of the ones that I do as on-call chaplain at night and in the morning . . . I asked her is she had heard these prayers as they are only a sentence or two . . . "no" . . . then she heard one and commented on how nice it was.

Thursday she tells us that one of the Vice-Presidents has complained that the prayers are too long . . . obviously as recounted by the supervisor who got it 2nd hand it is "too much noise" . . . now we are to pray scripted one sentence prayers. My question is, "why pray at all? Just give these one sentence prayers to the Switchboard Operators and let them say them." I am not sure I will say this, but it says something about what at least one person and perhaps others in position(s) of power in the hospital believes about prayer . . . it also says something, imho, about what the supervisor believes about prayer as she is not willing to advocate for continuing our tradition . . . in fact, I have come to question where faith fits into our supervisor's life -- she doesn't come to Chapel . . . she nor any of the other permanent staff -- they did for the first unit and slowly stopped . . . just as they started coming in later and later in the mornings although we are to be there on time.

Although I am learning a great deal in this experience I am also seeing a side of chaplaincy that causes me concern . . . this has been a year of discernment . . . will I go back to the parish (church setting) or will I go the chaplaincy route . . . I am still now sure but now is the time I start looking for my next call . . . prayer is an important part of this process.

Seeking to discern God's call,

Lydia

Representing death . . .

2011-01-11T13:02:00.003-06:00

This week a Presbyterian woman died from cancer . . . it has affected me greatly and I am not sure the exact reason . . . was it because she was the first Presbyterian who passed in the hospital since I have been there? . . . doubtful . . . was it that in my initial contact with her she shared with me her estrangement from her local church? . . . yes, I am sure this is a part of it . . . she had been away from the church for a long time . . . I have the sense that something happened at the Presbyterian Church she had most recently attended . . . that would have been many, many moons ago . . . in fact . . . what was it that estranged her from the church? . . . my original sense of call was based on the fact that many -- actually most of the people I worked with as a psychotherapist were unchurched . . . it wasn't because they didn't believe in and love God, but for some reason they felt disenfranchised by the C/church (both with a "C" and a "c") . . . and so this is one of the things that haunted me as I watched her die from a distance . . . you see at first the husband didn't want me around . . . I understood this . . . in a sense I represented God to him and he was angry with God for taking his wife . . . I suspect there is more to the story than we know as the family dynamics were intense . . . I could handle this . . . I could understand the husband connecting me with God . . . then when the husband came around and requested I be present the son, who had welcomed me said he didn't want me there . . . I couldn't understand it . . . until a colleague told me that it was his guess that the son didn't see me as representing God as much as he saw me representing death . . . I had shared my experiences with the 25 year old son with my colleagues in a verbatim -- an educational tool for learning . . . the son allowed me to pray . . . as he had told me that he understood his Mother was actively dying I was praying for her gentle and peaceful passing . . . abruptly he asked me to stop praying saying he couldn't hear this . . . so what does it mean to me that instead of representing a loving and welcoming God to him I represented death or a God who was violently taking his Mother from him? . . . as I have reflected on and prayed about this experience I know realize that on some level part of what the patient was grieving was not having provided her son a community in which he could come to know with certainty that death is not the final answer . . . and my heart breaks for the countless of men and women, boys and girls who will have to deal with the passing of a loved one without having the faith that allows them to grieve their lost while rejoicing in the gain of their loved one, esp. if it comes after a long struggle with cancer . . . so this also begs the question, how does the Church reach out in ways to those who feel that they have been disenfranchised from the very community that can offer them HOPE?

Preaching Gig . . .

2011-01-02T15:26:00.002-06:00

It has been about 6 months since I left the church . . . for some unknown reason it took my four months to get on the Pulpit Supply List . . . and to do this I had to throw a fit, asking if I was purposely being kept off the list . . . today was the first time since leaving the church I preached . . . at a smaller membership church . . . a wonderful congregation . . . a mixed congregation in every sense . . . it went well . . . the message was well received . . . I was comfortable, except . . . as I was introducing myself during the 30 minute break between Church School and Worship, when I introduced myself to one woman she said, "so and so [members of the church I left 6 months ago] are our best friends . . . that' my husband over there" . . . let me say that "so and so" were not my biggest supporters although they never did anything or said anything negative to me, there were rumors of what they did say and what they did do . . . part of the sermon -- about letting the Light of Christ illumine those dark corners of our lives that cause us pain and kept us from truly living the life God desires for us, referenced my experiences at the former church . . . not in a negative way, but in a way that opened the door for me to invite the Light of Christ to shine the Light of healing and restoration into experiences from my childhood that immobilized me within the dysfunction of that congregation . . . it was a hard sermon to preach, but also one that was liberating in a real way . . . we all have those dark places in our lives that our festering . . . to be able to be the people God created us and is calling us to be we must confront these dark places and we can only do this in the Light of Christ . . . then and only then can the Holy Spirit begin to guide us in the path of healing and restoration . . . having thought (and now written) all of this as I was driving home I wondered what may be said between these two couples . . . but does it really matter?

God continues the process of redeeming these experiences for me,

Lydia

Christmas Memories . . .

2010-12-18T08:01:00.002-06:00

Over on RevGalPals we were asked to post about five Christmas memories . . . this is hard, but let's give it a try . . . in no particular order:

I was 6 when I got my first Barbie . . . it was a wonderful Santa gift . . . I can still see it in my mind's eye . . . I am dating myself --- it was the blond "bubble head" Barbie . . . she came in a flat box with a wardrobe . . . I remember the evening wear . . . it was orange (ORANGE!!!!) and sparkly;

When I was 9 Santa brought me a "big girl bike" . . . it was hard for me to ride . . . I remember asking my Daddy why Santa brought me such a big bike . . . he told me that Santa told him that it would have to last me a long time;

I was about 13 when Santa brought my Mother a new car . . . it seemed like everyone knew in the family except me and Mama that Santa was bringing this . . . YES, I knew that there was really no Santa . . . when I complained that everyone knew except me I was told everyone knew I couldn't keep my mouth shut;

At age 15 I wasn't the first one up on Christmas morning . . . not sure how come, but I remember my older brother (he would have been 25) coming upstairs to wake me up "so we can open presents" . . . being the youngest my brother (now deceased) and sister have expectations of how I should act (even now) as the youngest on Christmas . . . I think they (she) get upset when I am not that way

When we all got to be adults our parents -- I mean Santa, would always give us a check signed by my Dad . . . my first Christmas in seminary we got the check, but it was signed by Mother . . . I asked my Dad what was up . . . he had been sick most of my life . . . he told me that it was his time and I probably wouldn't cash the check before he went "Home" . . . now, I know that this sounds odd, but he was telling me that he was ready -- he was at peace . . . later I found a journal he has been keeping secretly . . . I never shared it with anyone . . . later I threw it away. . . it was full of his fears of his body becoming so weak that he wouldn't be able to be at home . . . it also was full of his faith that even though he was a fallen human being he trusted in the saving grace of his Lord and Savior.

Holiday caroling . . .

2010-12-17T06:25:00.002-06:00

Our department/team will be going Holiday Caroling at the hospital next Tuesday . . . this shows the tension in chaplaincy between being inclusive and honoring your religious tradition . . . it is interesting the Jewish Chaplain suggested we, at least, sing Silent Night as THIS is Christmas and the majority of the world -- especially the folks hospitalized and those who work at the hospital, are Christian . . . so Holiday Caroling and then the departmental Christmas party and then one day of on-call before a week off for Christmas with my Mom and sister.

Merry CHRISTmas,

Lydia

Why, oh, why . . .

2010-12-16T06:43:00.002-06:00

do I let things bother me so much? Yesterday I E-mailed a colleague asking that I be included in the mailing list for the Ecumenical Ministerial Alliance in this area . . . this woman is also the secretary of my denomination's cluster gatherings . . . I receive 3 E-mails from her when I get home . . . the first saying she has added me to the mailing list for the ecumenical group . . . the second telling me that she thought I might have wanted a break from receiving information about our cluster meetings . . . let me be frank, I hadn't been attending and hadn't even noticed that I had stopped receiving the announcements . . . but as I responded to her I am still a member of the presbytery, in good standing, thus a member of the cluster . . . I don't understand how she felt entitled to make a decision NOT to send me announcements . . . the 3rd E-mail. by the way the cluster clergy luncheon is tomorrow . . . of course, I can't make it as I have had no opportunity to make arrangements . . . I wasn't invited last year either . . . obviously having spent a large amount of time in 2008 and 2009 serving the presbytery in many, many capacities meant little to my colleagues . . . I guess the saying is true "out of sight, out of mind" . . . this is hard for me to adjust to . . . obviously, I had misjudged my relationships with these people . . . many I thought were friends . . . it is hard to adjust to the fact that they were (are?) colleagues, at best . . . now, I am not even sure of this.

Learning . . .

2010-12-14T22:58:00.003-06:00

I have always loved learning and spend a lot of time exploring things that interest me . . . now as part of the CPE Program learning is a part of the process . . . most of it is learning by talking and doing, but the new assignment is to present a theoretical model for pastoral care -- these are basically psychotheraputic models . . . I was just going to play it safe and present on General Systems Theory -- it is the model taught in both my undergraduate and graduate Social Work Programs so I am thinking to myself, "easy, breezy" . . . as I begin refreshing myself I am drawn to a new model for pastoral care that I find . . . Psychosystemic Pastoral Care . . . so I have order THE book on it and have begun reading it . . . it boggles my mind . . . it is hard, it shows how little I have really done intellectually since leaving seminary.

As a local pastor I did lots of research for sermons and reading in church growth as I worked with our church growth consultant . . . but this is real work . . . it is exciting and challenging for me on many levels.

Learning . . . it is a good thing,

Lydia

A New Spirit . . .

2010-12-12T17:39:00.002-06:00

I spent most of the weekend with my Mother to celebrate her 85th birthday . . . today I attended Worship with her . . . she has been a member of a smaller membership UMC congregation for about 10 years now . . . they are on their 4th pastor . . . it, like many mainline smaller membership congregations, has been struggling . . . their organizing pastor left after receiving his D.Min. to work for a national for-profit ministry . . . their 2nd pastor committed suicide . . . their 3rd pastor -- the pastor at the time that the greatest number of people left, was arrested and charged with a felony assault -- it was evidently changed to a misdemeanor, he plead no contest, paid a fine and the Bishop moved him to a new position . . . when I walked into the sanctuary today there was obviously a new Spirit moving in the church . . . I couldn't put my finger on . . . the sanctuary had been decorated for Advent (it was beautiful) . . . the seating had been changed to make it more intimate . . . there was a more traditional Worship service with hymns (in the past there were only two hymns and we only sang a verse or two of each) . . . the hymns went along with the Scripture readings (in the past this seldom happened) . . . there was special music . . . laity was involved in the Worship as readers and as folks that prayed . . . their was a children's sermon . . . the sermon was EXCELLENT and challenging . . . the pastor asked that I say the concluding prayer . . . afterwards she came to thank me . . . I told her that I sensed a new Spirit in the church . . . she told me that during the recent revival the guest preacher had done an exorcism -- not really but in a prayer had reclaimed the building and the congregation for the work of Christ . . . for the first time in a long time I think the congregation, I know my Mother does, senses HOPE . . . isn't this what Advent is all about!

Come Lord Jesus, Come!

Lydia

Just wondering . . .

2010-12-05T21:50:00.002-06:00

I have been away from the church for six months now . . . when I left the church it is as if I lost contact with all of my colleagues . . . well, this isn't true . . . I have had lunch with one of them . . . one has called me to get some information . . . I walked into a restaurant Friday where two of them were eating and they didn't acknowledge me . . . there is one person who keeps in contact with me via Face Book . . . I wonder what it means when we say we are connectional . . . I wonder what it means when we take vows to be "friends to our colleagues" . . . I wonder about what it all means beyond words to people who continue to struggle with the pain of being kicked to the curb

Feeling sorry for myself,

Lydia

Unit 1 ends . . .

2010-11-20T06:31:00.002-06:00

There is an old saying that time flies when you are having fun . . . the fact is time flies . . . my first unit of CPE is over . . . well, not quite as I have some work to catch up with this weekend.

So what do I think? . . . it has been challenging, but rewarding . . . it has stretched me in ways that I could never imagine . . . it has invited and forced me to look at myself critically . . . it has helped me in ways that the seminary nor the local parish did to continue exploring my own theology -- words about God . . . through this it seems that God is giving me another piece of the puzzle that is God's plan for me both in life and in ministry . . . I am now beginning to get a glimpse of what it looks like but there is still work to be done to fit the pieces together . . . discernment continues to find my next step in the journey . . . I have time and right now I am not anxious.

The most challenging thing of late has been the unit's final evaluation . . . it was a time where we had to reflect on the last three months from a variety of areas, including ourselves, our work, our theology and our interpersonal relationship . . . it was hard work, at least for me . . . for others it didn't seem to be hard work . . . this is one of the things that I have discovered about myself . . . I have high expectations of myself so have high expectations of others . . . when we don't live up to those expectations I pout . . . awareness is the first step to move out of unhealthy patterns . . . perfection is not possible . . . I have to learn how to accept that people, for the most part, do the best they can in given circumstances and if they don't they are responsible . . . the thing I wrestle with is if it affects me negatively . . . I see this in our group as folks are not willing to go deep . . . many of them want to swim on the surface and this does affect me . . . but at least I was able to say this so feel better.

Our unit ended with a day-long retreat . . . I dreaded it . . . it was great . . . a lot of time for silent reflection . . . a lot of time to think, pray and write . . . began in chapel by sitting quietly praying and then moved into the Chapel of God's Creation . . . it was a beautiful day . . . hearing, feeling, touching, smelling and seeing God's good creation all around . . . it was a good day . . . it has been a good unit . . . praise be to God.

Life and Death, Healing and Hope.

2010-11-14T07:32:00.004-06:00

Friday I was exhausted . . . it finally dawned on me yesterday that part of that exhaustion is related to death . . . as a person I have lost people in my life . . . as a local pastor I was confronted with death on occasion but not often . . . as a chaplain in residence I am facing death almost on a daily basis . . . sometimes more than one a day, especially if I am "on call" . . . if I remember correctly one night "on call" I attended three deaths . . . one of the chaplains-in-residence has joked that she wants to trade "on call" with me as I seem to get the interesting cases . . . I am not sure that that is always true, but I do sense that I have had more deaths while serving "on-call" than many of the residents . . . all these deaths and how families respond to them, and even the patient, have lead me to a deeper appreciation of the gift of faith . . . of believing in the promise and assurance of the work Christ Jesus accomplished on the cross for us.

But there is something that is giving me pause . . . we have a Catholic priest from India who is also a chaplain-in-resident . . . a young man was admitted to the inpatient Oncology Unit . . . I entered his room as I was making rounds . . . the man was obviously in pain . . . his mother-in-law, father and a family friend where in the room . . . I introduced myself . . . the mother-in-law whispered to me . . . he was just admitted to Palliative Care -- they expect that he will pass away this afternoon or tonight . . . the patent's wife had gone to make funeral arrangements and would be back later her mother told me . . . later when I visited with the wife, knowing that they were Catholic, I asked if they wanted the priest to come and give the Anointing of the Sick (this use to be known as Last Rites) . . . she related that Father R -- the chaplain-in-residency, had already done this . . . it is my understanding that he is not to be doing this rite . . . anyway that afternoon I go to him as he is the chaplain-on-call to let him know that this man's death is imminent and he should be prepared . . . he tells me that he is OK, that he is being healed . . . I explain that the cancer has spread throughout the man's body, including his brain, and the doctor has explained to the family that death is imminent . . . the man dies that night.

Friday I am in the Palliative Care Team meeting where I learn that Father R has anointed another terminal patient who is not his patient . . . worse he has told the family that she is being healed . . . the Palliative Care Nurse has discussed this with the CPE supervisor who suggests that the family may be lying . . . I don't believe this is the case . . . Father R does believe in physical healing and I believe that he does tell some folks this . . . I heard something similar when I went on rounds with him once in pre-surgery -- this was early in our residency and I didn't see as insidiously as I do now . . . I do believe our God is a God of possibilities . . . and that God in infinite wisdom, mercy and grace can and does heal people physically . . . when my brother was dxed with terminal cancer -- the cancer was spread throughout his body, including the liver, I met a man -- a pharmacist, who had lived with liver cancer for 4 years . . . and just last Sunday I gave the invocation to a group of cancer survivors and heard remarkable stories of survival AND healing.

Shall we hold out false hope for healing when all signs point to the ultimate healing?

Roller Coaster . . .

2010-11-04T06:43:00.002-05:00

This CPE thing is a roller coaster . . . I am learning alot both about being a chaplain and, perhaps more importantly about myself . . . the latter is not always easy. One of the things I am learning about myself is communication is a major hurdle for me . . . both as the giver and as the receiver . . . I have spoken (written) about needing to be think before I speak . . . I also am finding that I am one of those people who spends time not listening because I am trying to think of what to say . . . awareness is the first step toward change . . . I notice this happens more in IPR rather than with patients and their families . . . I have also learned that there are people who won't give direct answers and this frustrates me immensely . . . there are people who with hold information and this also frustrates me . . . and there are people who give false information then to later say "no you never heard that." And so I am learning that clear communication is necessary and am recommitted to refining my communication skills which I always thought were adequate . . . and to give myself the benefit of the doubt maybe it is the other person.

The other part of the roller coaster is that I am covering more patients . . . I had had some problems with visiting after a recent death that brought back for me my aunt's horrific death . . . for some reason . . . maybe just giving voice to it I have surmounted this hurdle and have stepped up my seeing patients.

And then there is my health . . . during my pre-employment physical the nurse sent me to a walk-in clinic for high blood pressure . . . they also found my Blood Sugars were very high . . . I was pre-diabetic, but thought it was controlled . . . evidently my monitor wasn't working right and now the dx of diabetes . . . yesterday, the doctor asked if I was willing to go on an injectable med -- not insulin . . . did some research and it is a new med and there is some indication that there is the risk for thyroid cancer in a small number of patients . . . so I am working hard to do everything I can to let the oral meds work so watching my diet, drinking more water and have to start exercising (YUCK!)

So I am working to get off the roller coaster . . .

Lydia

Of two minds . . .

2010-10-23T06:58:00.002-05:00

I have been on call . . . as I am preparing the office for the next on-call chaplain I scan the patient list of my denomination as I always do to see if there is anyone in the hospital I may know . . . then I see the name Baby Boy XXXX is in the NIC Unit . . . could it be -- it has to be . . . then I see his Mother's name . . . it is . . . it is the baby whose creation was the catalyst for me leaving the last church I served . . . and even though some might have meant it for evil and destruction (yes, I know this is a strong word) God has and is using it for good . . . at least for me and I pray for all the other parties involved.

My dilemma is what do I do? I am not the chaplain assigned to either of these units -- the unit where the baby is (obviously born prematurely . . . by my calculations 4 to 6 weeks) nor the unit where his Mom is . . . but . . . might this be an opportunity to make peace . . . for closure . . . before all of this Mom and I, and her parents and I were very, very close . . . I have been present for all the family crisises for the last 5 years . . . where Mom's first child (now in college) almost died . . . for Mom's grandmother's death that same night . . . for Mom's Dad when he faced surgery . . . for Mom's Mom when she lost her job(s) . . . I feel a pull yet I don't want to do anything that will stress Mom or the family . . . on the other hand might this be God's way of giving us an opportunity for closure . . . for grace . . . for mercy . . . yes, for forgiveness.

Mom and her Mom have both tried to re-establish contact via Face Book . . . whatever their motives -- I must admit I took them for a way to be relieved of their guilt over their actions, but I can not judge their motives only how I felt . . . is this the time to extend the olive branch? . . . forgiveness doesn't mean that after this we have to be in each others' lives it simply means we are reconciled and the hurt that has passed between us may be released . . . would it? . . . would I be able to release any further the pain that I have experienced . . . no, it is released . . . do I want a relationship with either of these woman? No . . . so why do I feel this pull to visit . . . because when all is said and done she is still my sister-in-Christ and she is hurting.

Will I visit? I don't know. . . could there be consequences from the church hierarchy if I do? Could I regret it for the rest of my life is I don't? Do I hold out unrealistic expectations that something will change? Perhaps . . . perhaps. What to do, what to do?

Lydia

You Gotta Have Friends . . .

2010-10-22T17:16:00.006-05:00

1) Who is the first friend you remember from childhood? Betty Kay . . . she was one of those Southern girls who got two names for a first name . . . oh, how I wanted one of those, but my first name and middle name wasn't Southern enough . . . almost a half century since we first met she know is known by Kay . . . although we don't see each other often when we do it seems as if it were only yesterday.

2) Have you ever received an unexpected gift from a friend? A material gift, I don't think so, but other kinds of gifts OFTEN . . . a smile, a hug, a card, a prayer . . . for me these are the gifts that count.

3) Is there an old friend you wish you could find again? Or have you found one via Social Media or the Internet? Last year I found my old boy-friend from college . . . feeling nostalgic one night I visited the unofficial site of one of the singer's he introduced me to . . . I knew right from the moment I clicked it open that he was the Web Master . . . you couldn't mistake the funny little cartoon replica of him . . . it is great to be reconnected . . . I found that he finally realized he is gay -- something most of us knew although he didn't . . . he is in a long term relationship . . . our reconnection has brought me much joy.

4) Do you get your good friends together in a group or do you prefer your friends one-on-one? OK I will admit it . . . I am selfish . . . for the most part I want my good friends one-on-one . . . otherwise I don't feel like I have quality time with them.

5) Does the idea of Jesus as a friend resonant with you? Yes . . . have you heard about Jesus' other name? Andy . . . And He walks . . . yes, this is especially helpful when I am having a bad day . . . or just feeling a little sad . . . when I remember that no matter what is going on in my life that Jesus is my Constant Companion things don't seem so bad.

Winding down . . .

2010-10-22T15:39:00.002-05:00

When I interviewed for this residency in Clinical Pastoral Education I was at a very vulnerable time in my life . . . it was the Friday before the last Sunday at the church where I had served for five years to the day . . . although it may have been time to dissolve the pastoral relationship -- in the long run everything has worked out well, it was not an easy time for me . . . I had no idea how I would make it financially (even now I wonder) nor did I know what I would do as it takes up to 18 months to receive a call . . . and I was just beginning to deal with the emotional baggage that the last five years -- including Katrina and her aftermath (the breaching of the levees in the Greater New Orleans area) and the changes in the context of doing ministry that this event was overlaying on changes in the context of ministry over the past say 50 years that large numbers in the congregation I was partnering with were resisting anyway . . . they still used the hymn book from before I was born for one example. Where was I? . . . so anyway, when I interviewed with the CPE Supervisor and Supervisor-in-Training I was an emotional wreck . . . I didn't start out that way but by the end . . . well, suffice it to say I thought I was one sick pup.

Needless to say the interview didn't go well . . . after a week when I got the "call back" it was obvious that I wasn't in . . . a week later I think I got accepted only because someone else turned them down . . . I must say that as I have gotten to know the other residents and heard that they were accepted right away I am somewhat perplexed, esp by one or two that seem to have no level of insight or ability to connect with their emotions -- but that is perhaps left for another day . . . anyway I took the Supervisor's advice and got into therapy . . . and it has been wonderful . . . I am NOT and never was the basket case that I was led to believe at the time of my first interview . . . in fact, at my last session (I think # 6) the therapist asked me if I didn't think it was time to start talking about terminating our relationship as I have done so well on meeting my goals . . . I must admit I was somewhat panicked . . . this has been a lifeline for me as I learn to navigate relationships (specifically to tell who I want to be friends with and with whom I am happy and content to be only a good colleague as well as to begin to understand who owns an issue -- this has really been a Godsend in IPR as I realize that some comments are really about the person making the comment and not about me) . . . so it is time to wind down. I am not sure how I feel about this . . . have I really accomplished what I wanted? I know I am stronger . . . I know I am not afraid -- my behavior is not directed by fear . . . I know I am emotionally healthier . . . more able to articulate my feelings -- whether others can hear them or not is not my problem.

Lydia

Expectant waiting . . .

2010-10-19T06:26:00.002-05:00

In early June when I met with the Pastoral Response Team and we made the decision I would resign from the church I asked if I could be placed on the approved Pulpit Supply List . . . no problem. It has now been four (4) months and I am still not on the list. I don't understand . . . I have contacted the appropriate person 2x asking that I be included and supplied my contact information 2x. How long does this clerical addition take? When I chaired the committee it was updated monthly . . . It hasn't been updated since the beginning of June 2010.

Now I am not sure how often I would be called upon to preach, but I just don't understand the delay. I must admit it makes the small strain of paranoia that I think we all carry with us kick in. Today I sent an E-mail asking specifically am I being purposely kept off of the list. Although I don't believe this is the case, I don't understand this delay. How much I want to love my denomination . . . how difficult it is when things like this happen.

Yes, I understand that people are busy, but I also understand that this would take less than 5 minutes to add my contact information to an electronic list.

I often wonder if God smiles on the Church or if God just shakes God's head thinking how badly we are messing up people's faith?

Oh, no, NOT again . . .

2010-10-14T06:29:00.002-05:00

Several months ago I was contacted and asked to be on an investigative team to handle an accusationn of sexual misconduct with one of the pastors in this area . . . I opted not to serve when I learned who else was on the committee (he had been on a committee I chaired and he did nothing, knew nothing about our polity, about how to interact with people) . . . God is good . . . I found out just a few days ago that the pastor has admitted to what he did -- I am not sure what that is . . . Sunday his pastoral relationship was dissolved . . . what happens next I don't know . . . what I do know is that this is the LAST guy I would have suspected . . . we were/are friends . . . he was the one person among my colleagues who I felt comfortable with in "letting it all hang out" . . . now I am questioning everything about him . . . I am questioning how he handled an informal accusation against one of the pastors in this area . . . this happened as I was going out of leadership so although I was on the fringes I now am able to put together some of the pieces and wonder if he manipulated this to let the guy off as he -- from rumblings, was involved in the somewhat the same situation . . . with the other the "problem" was resolved by the local church governing board by firing the woman and asking her to leave the church . . . by the time this done I was totally out of leadership . . . but now I understand the reason that the plan we had laid out was not followed . . . I now wonder if this was done on purpose?

The Church (and it doesn't matter what denomination) reminds me of the Japanese proverb of the Three Wise Monkeys . . . see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil . . . in some renderings of this proverb there is a 4th monkey with cross hands -- do no evil . . . now this proverb is most closely associated with what it means to live the virtuous life . . . however in this context I am using it to indicate that the Church is NOT living the virtuous life by refusing to see evil, shutting their ears to complains of evil, and not using their voice to condemn actions that assault the dignity of women, men and children by any form of clergy sexual misconduct . . . does the Church not remember that each of us are created in the Image of God.

I struggle with knowing all of this . . . it makes me complicit in a way as I am a part of the Church . . . I don't know what to do . . . I have raised my voice . . . and in raising my voice I have lost . . . so I continue to struggle praying God will open a door to letting me know how I am to be used in this situation.

Lord, have mercy

Lydia

Cancer . . .

2010-10-10T17:06:00.003-05:00

This has been a hard week . . . there is no joy in cancer . . . I lost both my brother and my aunt to cancer . . . although my brother's passing was hard, paradoxically it was beautiful . . . my aunt's passing was very, very hard . . . it was not pretty . . . it was horrific. Yesterday I was on call . . . the Emergency Room asked that I come up to comfort a patent's mother . . . the patient is 40 years old . . . her liver has succumbed to the cancer growing inside her . . . when I went in to pray for her she reminded me a little of my aunt . . . she has battled cancer for over 1 and 1/2 years . . . had it been caught earlier the family wonders if she would have survived -- they are sitting death watch now . . . she is off all life support . . . the ER had another hospital did a CT scan 1 and 1/2 year OK . . . they didn't tell her it showed a tumor in the liver . . . at that time the tumor was at a size where it was operable . . . she went back less than 3 months later . . . she was told about the tumor and asked why she hadn't followed up . . . we will never know if she would have if she had been told about the tumor . . . my guess is that she would have . . . a police detective, divorced mother of two . . . yes, I think had she known she would have . . . would it have made a difference . . . I don't know . . . what I do know is that cancer has been eating away at not only her life but also the life of her family and friends . . . cancer is a terrible enemy that doesn't discriminate . . . I pray that God will raise up men and women who will one day find a cure for these insidious diseases that eat away at life.

But as this woman told her children (8 and 10) one day she will go home to be with God . . . and from her new home she will continue to watch over them until they are reunited . . . this young woman may have died in this physical sphere when I get to the hospital in the morning yet she will live . . . live in a glorious body no longer ravaged by disease or pain . . . glorious and beautiful just like the picture her Daddy showed me yesterday.

God bless her as she makes the journey home and God comfort her family and friends with the assurance that once home she will be free.

Lydia

The Journey Continues . . .

2010-10-08T10:34:00.004-05:00

Many times I've been alone

and many times I've cried

Anyway you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

But still they lead me back

To the long, winding road . . .

Intense was how the supervisor of the CPE described it when I interviewed . . . in the five weeks that I have been there her words ring true . . . it is not just intense because of the external -- the work on the units, but the intensity for me is the internal work . . . of course, in a way we are always involved in internal work whether we acknowledge it or not . . . but part of CPE is getting to know more intimately who you are, what things in your past and in your present have shaped/is shaping you, what are the things that you would like to change about yourself, etc. . . . for me this internal work that takes place in the process is being supplemented by individual therapy . . . am learning alot about myself . . . some I am happy with, other things I need to work on.

In our IPR this week I heard somethings about myself that I didn't like hearing . . . I am glad I heard them . . . it wasn't something I didn't know about myself -- sometimes I communicate what I am thinking in ways that seem arrogant . . . often this comes as I tend to speak before thinking . . . my new goal -- breathe, think, speak.

The journey continues,

Lydia

Triangles and Scapegoat

2010-10-03T18:03:00.004-05:00

In my last blog I spoke about our last IPR where I felt as if I had been thrown up the bus by one of my colleagues for triangulating her in talking to her about one of our colleagues . . . YES, I did it! . . . I owned up to it . . . she didn't. The following day she comes to me to ask if I am angry with her . . . well, yea! (DUH) but not angry as much as shocked and hurt that she did not own up to her triangularization . . . 'oh, but I did . . . I said I was getting sucked into it' . . . imho, not the same thing. I tried to explain this . . . she didn't get it. I also explained it was the way she said it . . . "I want to be your friend, but . . ." . . . so I explained that she set some very clear limits to "our friendship" and that means NO talking about our colleagues.

But what I didn't say and something that I think really pissed me off in the whole exchange is that she assumed I wanted to be more than a colleague . . . that she assumed I wanted to be her friend. One of the my therapeutic issues has been and is having boundaries in my relationships . . . some people I will be friends with . . . some will remain colleagues . . . these are different relationships with different boundaries . . . she made a BIG assumption that I wanted to be her friend . . . even before this I was not sure . . . I spent some time with her outside of work last weekend and I was uncomfortable the whole time . . . I really can't put my finger on the reason, but I was . . . in the past I have not done well listening to that small inner voice -- I call it my gut . . . not listening to it has gotten me into trouble.

As I have processed the exchange during IPR I realize that I was scapegoated . . . not only by her but by all of my colleagues that have talked nasty about one another . . . I know of at least one other that spoke to me the night before IPR . . . although she was the one who started the conversation last week she didn't own up either.

I must admit my inclination is to retreat . . . to swallow the hurt and anger . . . this is my pattern . . . the supervisor must have noticed something as she came to talk with me Friday afternoon . . . she concurs with my analysis but as she said it is not her issue, but mine . . . I had told the other woman that I would probably bring it up in the next IPR as this is the 2nd time I felt as if she threw me under the bus . . . it is amazing how alliances are shifting . . . I am not sure that I need alliances in this situation if ever . . . I need good working relationships with my colleagues and I think I have those with most and are continuing to build them . . . what I don't need is someone pointing out my bad behavior yet not being able to own up to their own. Doesn't the Bible say something about this? And why do you take note of the grain of dust in your brother's eye, but take no note of the bit of wood in your eye? (Matthew 7:3 Bible in Basic English)

And so I will not remain silent . . . I will not swallow the hurt and anger that I allowed myself to be scapegoated . . . that I allowed her comment to make it seem to the group that I was the only culprit . . . although I can not force anyone to talk I will not be complicit in their silence about what they have been doing . . . the triangles and alliances being formed . . . the bad behavior that is taking place . . . one of the convictions I have is that this is not love and we are called to love not because the person is lovable but because God is love and in each person there is a spark of the Divine as we are all created in the Divine Image.

A bump on the journey, but an important one to overcome,

Lydia

Triangles . . .

2010-09-29T19:15:00.003-05:00

Another IPR . . . two of the female residents had approached me about one of the male residents . . . each had problems with him . . . I shared with them both my own problem with him . . . I brought my concerns up today in the group when one of the others mentioned feeling tension and he began diverting it to his feelings that we (unnamed) were talking about him behind his back . . . in the ensuing discussion one of the woman who had come to me initially to complain about him told me that I was triangulating and although she wanted to be my friend couldn't handle this . . . I heard her and apologized for putting her in this position . . . however, I did not mention that she also triangulated . . . so as I drove home I contemplated how one can see the unhealthy communications in other and yet not in themselves . . . of course, this is our human condition.

So what if anything should I do? Swallow my confusion . . . confront her privately . . . wait for the next IPR . . . gosh, I wish my session with my therapist was this week.

Praying for discernment,

Lydia

CPE Update . . .

2010-09-28T05:42:00.002-05:00

This week marks the fourth week of my Clinical Pastoral Education residency . . . in a way it seems like it has been so much longer than a month . . . in other ways it is hard to believe that it has only been four weeks . . . dynamically, alliances have been formed -- good or bad . . . alliances seem to be part of community . . . my disappointment is in supervision.

The supervisor and I operate differently . . . she is an emotional person -- reminds us constantly that she leads from her emotions, while I am a head person . . . I am also someone who has served in administrative roles and some of my response to her in this area, but frankly some of my response to her is her supervision and boundary issues . . . I don't also remember technical terms but I am being driven crazy as there is no consistency . . . my personality craves consistency -- it is part of who I am . . . no doubt a hold over from childhood where I felt there wasn't much consistency.

Four weeks in . . . I am wondering where I will be at the end of the program . . . I would like to stay in this area, but it is looking less and less likely given the outlook for the medical community in this area . . . perhaps, further training for supervision in the CPE . . . am praying on it . . . have begun looking at programs.

I look forward to the continuing journey,

Lydia

FEAR . . .

2010-09-27T06:39:00.003-05:00

My brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer 10 years ago this week . . . he had great insurance that paid 100% . . . the first time I picked up his medications it was over $2000.00 . . . I remember his asking me what happens to people who don't have insurance . . . my response was cynical, but I am afraid true, they die in a lot of pain . . . he died, too, but it is my prayer that it was without pain . . . he had every medical assistance he needed to be comfortable as he was dying. But far too many in our country . . . the greatest and wealthiest country in the world, live without benefit of insurance.

My father was sick for most of my life . . . at one point when he needed to be hospitalized the military hospital he used was full in cardiac care so he was admitted to the hospital with which I was affiliated . . . the doctor who admitted him was a doctor with whom I had had on-going discussion about universal health care . . . the afternoon my Dad was admitted this MD came over to do some work on the unit I was working . . . he told me that he had admitted my Dad and asked did I release that if we had universal health care my father would probably be dead . . . he equated advances in medicine to having privatized insurance -- I don't know that this was a legitimate equation . . . my response, though, was about quality of life . . . you see, my Dad would have told him that he had no quality of life . . . he was ready to leave this life and enter into life eternal.

I wonder today why there are so many who would deny health insurance to people . . . why we would not want insurance to have to cover pre-existing conditions . . . what is the fear of providing medical care to the millions who can't afford it? I think it has to do with fear . . . someone said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself . . . fear drives so much of the political hatred and venom today . . . and so much of it comes from good Christian people . . . the Bible tells us over and over again "fear not" . . . why do we fear? FEAR NOT!

Lydia

Raising the bar . . .

2010-09-25T17:14:00.003-05:00

"We need to in this country begin again to raise civil discourse to another level. I mean, we shout and scream and yell and get very little accomplished, but you can disagree very much with the next guy and still be friends and acquaintances." ~ Leah Ward Sears [Sears, an African-American female jurist, was the Chief Justice of the Georgia Supreme Court from 2005 until her retirement in 2009.]

What has happened to civil discourse in this country? We -- that is the royal we, have become uncivil and coarse . . . behind this, I believe, is fear . . . fear that is being fanned by professional politicians and entertainers, ugh, commentators who are more concerned, imho, with lining their coffers than the health of our country.

When I subscribed to Face Book I became friends with many people who I didn't know through my aunt and cousin . . . to be frank that side of the family has always been different than my family . . . although I didn't grow up in the "big city" I did grow up in a thinking environment (both my family and the community) and also in a denomination that stresses thinking -- sometimes to the detriment of experience . . . and yes, I understand that this sounds really pejorative . . . I don't mean it this way . . . my cousin and my aunt are really wonderful woman, but they grew up in small, rural, conservative communities . . . those experiences shaped them to be conservative today . . . both politically and religiously . . . they are on the Christian Right (they are so on the Christian Right that my aunt and uncle would not come to hear me preach one Sunday when I was preaching in their hometown and staying at their house . . . OUCH!) . . . they are devotees of Bill O'Reilley and Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and the Tea Party Express . . . and so are the Face Book Friends.

One of these is a lovely woman . . . she posts primarily inspirational ditties . . . things I really appreciate and when I disagree we have been able to have wonderful theological cyper discussions . . . I really like here EXCEPT . . . she hates President Obama . . . not just his policies, she hates him and is counting down to the days he is out of office . . . I don't understand how good people can have this much hatred for a person they don't know . . . yes, I know it is fear . . . what I don't understand is where this fear comes from . . . yes, I know that it flies out of FOX every night . . . but how can good people believe this dribble?

Today she posted 15 mug shots of people wearing Obama T-shirts . . . when I took exception to this by pointing out that The Smoking Gun Web Site who posted this in 2008 immediately following the election related that these 15 were taken from tens of thousands she got upset . . . I only passed it on . . . yes, she passed it on but was unable to see the not so subtle message . . . that Obama supporters are thugs . . . when I suggested that I could probably have found 15 people arrested the night of the Saints Superbowl win wearing Saints T-shirts, but that this didn't make Saints' fans (which she is one) thugs, she couldn't get it.

I hate to be overly dramatic, but I wonder if this is how people were feeling as Hitler and the Nazis were gaining power in Germany . . . yes, I see some parallels and frankly it scares the you know what out of me . . . I am praying that sanity will return and with it a willingness to engage in civil discourse as we try to discern a way out of the mess that we have made of this country.

Lord, have mercy on us,

Lydia

Tea baggers . . .

2010-09-24T05:35:00.003-05:00

When Sarah Palin hit the scene I was excited to see another woman enter the political fray . . . as I heard her speak, I could only shake my head . . . "what is this woman talking about?" . . . what is she thinking?" . . . and now I spend a lot of time just shaking my head . . . Christine O'Donnell . . . I spend a lot of my time shaking my head . . . I remember her from the Bill Maher show . . . I thought then she must be a natural blond (sorry to my blond friends!) . . . I remember thinking "what a fool" . . . now that fool may be a Senator.

Neither a Democrat nor a Republican I work hard to find out what the person believes so I can vote for a person with a similar vision and belief system . . . a person who wants to work to make this country one that lives with a deep care and compassion for "the least of these" . . . my belief system grows out of my Christian faith . . . some of the things that I am hearing from people who purport to share this faith boggle my mind . . . it also boggles my mind that many of the political voices today don't seem to understand the foundations of our country . . . religious freedom that births religious tolerance . . . it appears to me that there is a trend of revisionism taking place in our country today by leaders of the tea baggers . . . people, good people -- people I know, are buying it hook, line and sinker . . . it is a scary time even though I know that God is ultimately in control, but I continue to be worried for our country and for "the least of these".

Lydia

It isn't just the Catholics . . .

2010-09-20T19:19:00.002-05:00

In the early 1980's I was at my parents' home and answered the phone . . . the caller was the Youth Pastor at the local Baptist church looking for my Dad . . . one of the local attorneys and an Elder at our Presbyterian Church . . . the pastor was calling to report that a teenager -- a boy, had accused our pastor of molestation . . . I was in my 20's . . . it was the first time I had heard of a minister sexually abusing any one . . . more than three decades later it is way too common to hear about this if we have ears . . . unfortunately, though, it has been my experience that the institutional Church, whether Catholic or any other brand protects the accused and damn the victim(s).

Sunday this came back to haunt me . . . I belong to a group on Face Book from my hometown where we share memories . . . about two months ago someone posted about this occurrence . . . I ignored the post . . . I went to the site on Sunday afternoon and he had posted again . . . this time I "heard" his plaintive plea for someone to hear him . . . so I responded by sending him a message.

He is grown now . . . living on the West Coast . . . successful but still wounded . . . we sent back several messages . . . it brought back so many questions I had at the time . . . it appears he was not the only one . . . the others have died of AIDS . . . I am not sure how many . . . I couldn't bring myself to ask . . . not yet.

Nothing was done after that telephone conversation . . . not that people didn't try, but the boy wouldn't testify in church court . . . he told me this weekend he was ashamed . . . he didn't want his family to know what happened . . . but the minister must have known . . . he left shortly after that to pastor another smaller membership church in a neighboring state. One of the Deacons of the church who reportedly saw what happened left without warning . . . just didn't show up one day for work -- he was a school teacher.

Years later I heard through the grapevine that the minister and his wife had both died of AIDS.

My heart grieves for anyone who has been victimized, but especially those who have been sexually victimized by men and women who are allowed to hide behind the cloth . . . when will the Church be willing to stand for those who had/have no power . . . when will we be their voice . . . when will we offer them the grace of voice and healing? Please pray for this young man and those like him who have lost faith . . . who feel abandoned by God for what they endured and the silence of the Church.

Lydia

I(nterpersonal) P(personal) R(elationships) . . .

2010-09-16T06:09:00.003-05:00

Yesterday we had our first IPR . . . as our supervisor explained IRP is not a therapy group but it can be therapeutic . . . in reality it is what I use to call a process group when I did therapy . . . it is a time to see how we are forming community . . . what is working and what isn't working . . . where there are problems . . . where these might be growing edges. Frankly, I was dreading it . . . I had had a terrible experience with the chaplain assigned to the Surgery Unit . . . I had spoken to the supervisor about it . . . it was grist for IPR.

The chaplain on call is expected to help the Surgery Chaplain cover folks admitted early in the morning for same day surgery . . . I had skipped this last time I was on-call during the week as I had had a bad night . . . I had felt I had been chastised by the supervisor over this . . . so I made sure I was up early although that meant less than 5 hours sleep and done in the office by 5:30 to meet with him at 5:45am . . . he shows up at 6:05 . . . we head to the floor . . . divide the patients for visits . . . or so I thought . . . NO, he wants us to go together . . . I am not sure the reason . . . he is from India . . . he has a compelling story for the reason he no longer serves as a priest in India . . . he has been in this country 7 years . . . there are still language issues . . . he also has told us that he has a lot of hemoglobin in his blood and so he is hyper . . . I can't attest to this, but I can attest that he walks fast . . . so we go together (still can't understand this) and do what I term dive bombing prayers . . . swooping in to pray without offering a ministry of presence . . . an interesting thing hit me yesterday . . . the supervisor thinks we are up there until 8 when we meet for morning prayer when in actuality we were out of there before 7am . . . what do I do about this, if anything? Probably, I will handle my next rotation with him differently . . . I will insist we divide patients and I will go back when I am through and pick up patients who have been admitted since the first round of admissions . . . same day surgery patients are admitted all day.

He allows me to pray with the Protestants . . . he prays with the Catholics . . . except there are two folks he asks that I pray for . . . I see the look on their face and ask if they are Catholic -- yes . . . it is obvious they want the father to pray for them . . . he prays from his book . . . one family, a Jewish family, asks that we not pray . . . he storms out . . . the wife grabs my arm to apologize for making him angry . . . not your fault.

In IPR I share with him my feelings . . . that I felt 2nd class and felt that I was only good enough to pray for Protestants . . . as a hospital chaplain I am here to be an interfaith chaplain and should be free to pray and offer ministry to all people . . . going together didn't allow this . . . I was offended he said my prayers were too long . . . in fact they were as short as his but they were free-form and personal . . . the experience brought up for me some of my unresolved issues of the way the old boy network operates in my own denomination to exclude women . . . I felt as we missed 2 patients as we didn't divide the patients . . . according to him we missed them as I lagged behind.

It was not nice . . . it was uncomfortable for the group . . . it was uncomfortable for him . . . it was unfortable for me . . . it was also liberating for me . . . I have a bad habit of swallowing emotions . . . so this provided an opportunity to let them out in a safe environment. Although I don't think this will be one of my favorite parts of this year it will be one allowing for the most personal growth in my opinion.

Now, rabbit trial or not -- you decide . . . yesterday on the way to the hospital I heard a minister saw that a woman at his church (I hate this phrase) stood up during prayer requests and announced her son was homeless . . . he related that it was obvious that it made some in the congregation uncomfortable . . . later he spoke with her and asked her reason . . . doesn't it say somewhere in Scripture if one part of the body hurts? . . . she told him that she wanted people who were comfortable in their life to put a face to the homeless . . . perhaps, this was the reason . . . perhaps, she wanted the body to share her pain and that of her son . . . and that of the countless men, women and children who are "the least of these."

Lydia

Death . . .

2010-09-14T22:38:00.002-05:00

One morning about 2 shortly after my father passed away my phone rang . . . it was my cousin . . . it was obvious that she had been drinking and drinking heavily -- she no longer drinks like that, but back then I tried to avoid her having my phone number as I hated her rambling calls in the early mornings. She nor any member of her immediate family had been able to attend my father's funeral, but our aunt had . . . when my aunt told her family about the funeral she mentioned that neither my mother nor I cried . . . and this call was to read me the riot act . . . how could we not cry . . . Uncle Albert was dead . . . he was gone.

My cousin is not a person of faith . . . my mother and I are as was my father . . . I asked my cousin why would we cry as we knew that my father was in heaven now . . . that he was out of pain . . . that he had told all of us that he was ready to go. She just couldn't understand it . . . she does not know Jesus so could not believe in the promise that earthly death was not the end . . . as Bonhoeffer is reported to have said as he was lead to death, his life had just begun. My heart grieved for her about 2 years ago when her father passed away expectantly on Christmas Eve just as Christmas morn was dawning . . . my aunt, her mother, called me right after he pronounced -- she is a woman of faith . . . I remember her joy that Rod had made it "home" . . . oh, she was sad for herself but she rejoiced for her husband of more than 60 years.

In the past two weeks I have been privileged . . . yes, privileged to be with families of faith who had loved ones pass away in the hospital . . . each had a week or more to prepare for the inevitable, but they both responded differently . . . one family responded with great wails of anguish and "whys" . . . throwing themselves over the body. I silently asked their pastor (they are Pentecostal) what they believe about death . . . did they believe that the woman with her last breathe had entered into "heaven" and now was at peace with the Triune God . . . "yes" he said . . . so, even though I understand they were mourning for themselves, I still don't get it . . . the woman was 92 and had been sick for more than a decade and the family had made the decision to remove life support. It took more than 3 hours to get the family to leave the hospital.

Monday night a 69 year old woman who had worked 12 hours a day as a cook until the day she had a clot travel to her brain passed. She had come in through the Emergency room almost a week before. When she passed away there were no tears . . . there was rejoicing . . . one of her daughters even started singing Alleluia! The nurses kept insisting that once the body was cleaned up they could come back and say their last goodbyes . . . they kept saying no we said our goodbyes while she was alive -- she's gone now . . . the third time the nurse came out to say this after she left they looked at me and said we are going to do this for the nurses. Man they were out of there within and 1 and 1/2 of the death . . . as they were leaving planning the celebration of her life.

Two families of faith . . . two different responses to loss.

My mother will turn 85 soon and although in good health and their is a history of longevity on her side of the father among the women, I have been wondering how I will respond. It will be different than my response to my father as mother is not sick. I pray that I will keep my focus on the promise of Christ and that my tears will be those of joy and not grief.

Lydia

The silence is deafening . . .

2010-09-12T04:47:00.003-05:00

Worship and being a part of a local Church has always been a part of who I am . . . since the dissolution of my pastoral relationship in mid-June I am finding it difficult to connect to a local church. I know that this is my fault . . . I probably shouldn't use this word, fault, as I don't want to beat myself up over this . . . I know that on some level I am still healing over what happened . . . even though I don't want to admit it the wounds are still raw . . . but I think there is another happening here . . . I have felt abandoned (again) by my denomination . . . this is funny in a way as one of our hallmarks is "connectionalism" -- I have come to believe that this is true ONLY when it enhances the institutional church . . . funny, that only one person has asked me to attend their church and this is a staff member at a church . . . not one pastor has invited me to attend . . . my therapist and I have discussed this . . . yes, I realize it may be awkward for them . . . yes, I realize that they might not have the words . . . I even realize it might be embarrassing for them . . . what about our ordination vow to be a friend among our colleagues. And I must admit the silence from my colleagues is deafening.

2nd week . . .

2010-09-09T23:53:00.005-05:00

Today ended my 2nd week of CPE . . . it was a short week in a way . . . had Monday off for a holiday (although I had call on Sunday from 8am to 8am), Tuesday was the hospital orientation and Friday (tomorrow) I have off because I worked Sunday.

Our assignment this week was to write our spiritual autobiography . . . among the seven of us mine was the longest . . . at first I thought perhaps it was because I was older than other people, but I really am the third youngest of the group . . . perhaps it is just that I am more verbose . . . or perhaps it is because of what I have gone through in the last several years and my re-entry into therapy I have been more reflective about those things that have and are shaping my faith.

Next week we begin on the unit . . . we have made it to the unit, but it has been somewhat disjointed . . . two men I have met have recently been diagnosed with cancer . . . they are both in palliative care (changes are that they won't live) . . . both believe in God, neither are involved in a community of faith . . . both have few contacts beyond their immediate family (for one it is a wife, son and elderly Mother and for the other only a daughter -- who hasn't visited). As I was thinking and praying for them tonight, I had to wonder if their hospital stays would be any different if they were involved in a community of faith. I wonder "why" they aren't. I worry about the hundreds and thousands in our communities who aren't . . . who have no "Body of Christ" to support and with with them through these difficult time.

When my brother was dying of cancer he didn't have a church home, but their was a smaller membership Presbyterian Church who knew about his diagnosis and prognosis and many members of the congregation knew me . . . in fact, they sent me checks to help buy my books when in seminary . . . each week -- it usually would arrive on Monday, a different women in the church would send a handwritten note telling him that he was being lifted up in prayer . . . how he looked forward to this . . . it was for him an expansion of his supportive community of family, friends and his place of work . . . I thank God for the faithfulness of this smaller membership church where these woman took time out to be Christ to my brother.

Lydia

First week . . .

2010-09-03T17:33:00.003-05:00

Whoa, it has been exhausting . . . my first full week of residency in Clinical Pastoral Education . . . exhausting, but in a good way. There are seven of us . . . quite diverse: a Roman Catholic priest from India; a Jewish Rabbi (female) from LA; a Unitarian-Universalist from New Jersey (male); a recently grad of Southern Baptist Seminary in New Orleans who is also the Administrative Pastor at a new church plant in Metairie; a Roman Catholic lay woman from New Orleans; a recent grad of Princeton (female) who grew up Pentecostal but hasn't decided her faith tradition -- leaning toward Quaker; and me, Presbyterian.

Yesterday was my first 24 hour on-call rotation . . . three code blues (deaths) although by the time I arrived on units the two of the patients had been revived . . . the one early this morning died. Sunday I will also have on-call duties . . . as it works out 1x/week we will be on-call and 4 weekends in a three month period . . . I have call Sunday . . . Monday off and then hospital orientation.

Man, my feet have never hurt this much . . . can't wear backless shoes . . . my vice so am having to get use to "real" shoes.

I will be working with a UMC Pastor who has done the one year Residency Program and is now finishing up her three year Supervisory track in oncology and palliative care . . . this was my first choice as well as the first choice of one other person . . . after awhile at negotiating I was ready to give in and take my 2nd choice . . . feeling guilty as I was standing my ground . . . I guess somewhere I have gotten the message that I don't deserve my first choice or that I have to settle so the other person won't have to settle . . . Supervisor wouldn't allow me to give in and in the end I was able to get the units I wanted . . . although I am trying hard not to look to the future, this is the unit that I believe will provide better opportunity should I decided to pursue professional chaplaincy.

Exhausted by this first week but excited about this door that has been opened.

Lydia

Coming up on 5 years . . .

2010-08-26T09:54:00.003-05:00

Sunday will mark the 5th Anniversary of Katrina . . . Katrina changed the face of life for so many people in MS and LA . . . of course, in Metro New Orleans it really wasn't Katrina -- it was the breaching of the levees . . . Katrina was a natural disaster . . . what happened to Metro New Orleans was a human made disaster.

As the 5th Anniversary approaches one can't help think back on that day and the days following . . . having evacuated from St Charles Parish to my Mother and sister's home on the MS Gulf Coast I was privy to the pictures coming out of New Orleans after the levees broke . . . as I heard the reports on the radio (we had a battery operated radio -- no electricity) in my mind's eye there was no way I could imagine the horrors . . . it is hard to imagine living through that. Living through Camille in 1969 was traumatic enough for me . . . 5 and 1/2 feet of water rushing into the downstairs, but that water didn't linger for three weeks . . . it came and went within a couple of minutes.

The MS Gulf Coast still had not fully recovered from Camille when Katrina hit . . . it will take a long time for both MS and LA to recover from Katrina and the New Orleans, the breaching of the levees . . . neither will ever be the same . . . there is an opportunity for change and growth . . . will this opportunity be embraced or will it slip through our hands?

Procastination . . .

2010-08-25T11:00:00.002-05:00

Remember the Carley Simon song, Anticipation . . . in my head the words anticipation changes to procrastination . . . procrastination, procrastination, is making me late, keeping the house waiting . . . so close to being done and yet so far. The fact is I don't like housework . . . and this is what is waiting for me . . . cleaning up and mopping . . . it won't take long . . . it is just taking that first step . . . maybe lunch then . . .

Lydia

Opening door . . .

2010-08-24T08:40:00.002-05:00

or a new chapter . . . either way I am making a seismic shift in life (and in my thinking) . . . new living arrangements, new town, new job, new friends (hopefully) . . . truth be told, we all make these kind of shifts in our lives . . . some we choose, others are chosen for us . . . either way, they are opportunities for growth and change even if, for awhile, we have to suffer/mourn our losses.

As I write this I think about Joseph . . . how in his mind he had a splendid life . . . everything was going well . . . his father's favorite . . . little did he know that trouble was brewing up ahead . . . perhaps, he was a little arrogant in telling his brothers' about his dreams . . . was this God's way of preparing him for what he would have to endure as God's plan for him was unfolding? . . . thrown into a pit . . . sold into slavery . . . then years later God uses him to save God's people.

Romans 8:28 has always been a verse that brings comfort . . . reminding me that God is ultimately in control when I am working to live in God's will . . . years ago I came to couple this with a verse from Joesph's story when he reveals himself to his brothers . . . "you meant it for evil, God has used it for good" . . . perhaps, this is at the core of forgiveness . . . seeing that even in the midst of forced choices . . . those we would rather not have to live through . . . God is at work redeeming the situation.

To God be the glory.

Lydia

"Tis a gift to be simple . . .

2010-08-18T08:24:00.003-05:00

I continue to ponder this idea of simplicity as a spiritual discipline as I sort through what I want need and what I can give up as I make a move to a smaller place. My car is loaded for another trip to the local thrift shop run by the Association for Retarded Citizens. As I have sorted through closets and boxes sorting through there has been, surprisingly a sense of liberation.

During a break . . . I take way too many of these, I revisited the chapter on simplicity in Richard Foster's classic, Celebration of Discipline. Foster defines simplicity as "an inward reality that results in an outward life-style" (69) which leads to freedom, joy and balance . . . not a bad way to live.

"I know what it is like to be in need, and I know what it is like to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether in plenty or in want. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:12

'Tis a gift to be simple,

'Tis a gift to be free

'Tis a gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we see ourselves in a way that's right,

We will live in a valley of love and delight.

Traveling toward simplicity,

Lydia

Simplicity . . .

2010-08-12T08:51:00.003-05:00

Each time I have moved . . . set off on another trek on the journey through this life, I have craved simplicity . . . in search of simplicity I give lots of stuff away . . . I have done some of this this time and still have more to give away . . . and although I do this each time I move I seem to accumulate more and more . . . I am not sure when or why.

A man who worked in the library of the seminary I attended (he was a grad also) lived a life of simplicity . . . his one room studio apartment was a monument to his lifestyle as was his wardrobe and how he shopped -- he was green before it was cool to be green.

In recent weeks I have been hearing more and more about people voluntarily embracing a more simple lifestyle . . . some for economic reasons, some as they believe it will make them happier and some because they feel called by God to live such a lifestyle . . . it seems to be a lifestyle that Jesus lived. I wonder what would happen if more of us who confess Christ would embrace such a lifestyle . . . trusting in God's providence . . . of course, we must do our part, but is it really about having more and having the latest gadget?

We are a country that seems to have brought into the idea that things will bring us happiness. Did you realize that the Greek word for happiness never appears in the New Testament? The reason is that by itself this word has no meaning . . . instead the Greek word for joy is used . . . although joy is a component of happiness there is a huge difference between the two . . . as the world defines happiness it is dependent on eternal variables . . . joy, on the other hand, according to Scripture is internal and is based on one's relationship with Jesus . . . "when you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey the Father's commandments and remain in his love. I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, you joy will overflow." John 15: 10 - 11

As a child I learned the following definition for JOY:

Jesus

Other

You

I wonder if this might not be a formula for a life of simplicity?

Lydia

Self care . . .

2010-08-11T14:50:00.003-05:00

Two more folks have posted the NY op-ed piece about clergy burnout . . . self care has been hard
for me . . . I am not sure the reason this is true, but one of the things I have talked with God about is that this year will not only be one of discernment, but also one of learning to take care of myself in all areas of my life.

One of the places where I have not done well at self care is on my physical self . . . the pre-employment physical yesterday revealed sugar in my urine and hypertension. I have been a borderline diabetic for 6 years and "assumed" I was controlling it with diet and exercise . . . but I was kidding myself . . . I wasn't really doing either . . . so yesterday I started on medication for hypertension . . . at my MD's appointment today my BP had already dropped . . . and today I start on medications for diabetes.

The doctor a young Asian woman is hopeful that at some point I will be able to come off of the medications . . . who knows, but I do know that I need to take seriously that when God tells us that we are to love ourselves . . . yes, "love your neighbor as you love yourself" this must include caring for ourselves physically. This is hard for me . . . I don't like doctors but it is a part of being faithful to how God would have us live.

And so a year of discernment and self-care is starting.

Lydia

Clergy Burnout . . .

2010-08-09T14:32:00.003-05:00

Today when I got home from a short visit with my Mom and sister

there were two E-mails from folks who will be co-residents in the program in Clinical Pastoral Education I will be entering the end of the month . . . both were about clergy and burnout . . . then someone else posted an article she had written last month for the Huffing ton Post -- also on clergy burnout.

I am not sure that I am suffering from burnout, but family and friends this weekend suggested that I was . . .that this break will be good for me. I am thinking at this moment that not going back to the parish as a pastor would be a good thing for me . . . not that I didn't love being a pastor and not that I wasn't good at being a pastor . . . of course, I had my quirks -- we all do . . . but I think that finding a church at my age who has a compatible vision for ministry will be extremely hard.

I am in my 5th decade . . . some folks find this hard to believe . . . on good days, so do I . . . I am also a woman . . . even though, I do not believe this should make a difference to Churches, the reality is that it does, esp for those in the South where I have chosen to live . . . I am also single . . . again, this shouldn't make a difference, but the reality is that it does -- I think on two levels -- 1) many churches are suspicious of single women (I was at the last church for two weeks when a woman came in, she said she was sent, to ask if I were a lesbian. I asked if this would make a difference? "No, not to me, but to the church, yes.") and 2) because a person is single the church believes that they will get more bang for their buck (now this is also true if you are married as they expect the spouse to play an active role in the life and ministry of the church -- not because God is calling them to this necessarily, but because their spouse if the pastor.)

So I am taking a break -- further education and training . . . and a time for discernment . . . working to find out where God is calling me next on this journey . . . excitement is growing as the start date nears . . . praying that as pieces have fallen together in the last several weeks they will continue to fall together giving me a glimpse of where God will use me when this program ends next September.

Good girls don't . . .

2010-08-04T16:55:00.005-05:00

Good girls don't get angry . . . one of the myths that I have been living . . . instead of expressing my anger I swallow it letting it eat me up inside . . . letting it take away my sense of worth.

I have learned that I learned this unhealthy coping mechanism as a child . . . it reared it's ugly head to bite me in the butt as I faced a dysfunctional congregation that mirrored in many ways the family I grew up in . . . all of this has been new revelations . . . at least on a conscious level . . . as I have been in work with a new therapist.

It is hard work . . . work I would rather not do, but work I must do if I am to have the quality of life that I believe God desires for me. My therapist has me writing about my anger . . . not really writing about it as much as writing to it . . . this, too, is hard, but there is wisdom in her madness.

And so I am working to be a myth buster . . . What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ's body we are all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.

Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry -- but don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't stay angry. Don't go to bed angry. Don't give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life. Ephesians 4: 24-27

Lydia

Timing is everything . . .

2010-08-03T09:18:00.002-05:00

Checked the mail . . . a summons for jury duty . . . I am to appear on August 30th . . . interesting timing . . . August 18th I will be moving out of the parish to the parish across the River . . . August 30th I will start at the hospital where I will be doing a year long residency in Clinical Pastoral Education . . . hope this gets me out of appearing!

Lydia

Searching for Community

2010-08-01T08:57:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite seasonal films is White

Christmas . . . during the finale one of the songs that Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye sing is "What Can You Do With a General" . . . part of the chorus goes:

What can you do with a general

When he stops being a general?

These words have been playing through my head since the dissolution of my pastoral relationship with the church . . . even though my plans for the next year are set they still ring in my ears, esp. on Sunday mornings.

Paradoxically, as I find freedom in not being in the pulpit every Sunday . . . I am not sure whether this is related to the particular congregation . . . to be frank there were a significant number of folks in the congregation that I didn't cotton to . . . yes, many may think this is a terrible thing to confess -- I loved them and I prayed for them, but I didn't like them -- they demonstrated a pattern of bad behavior that was ignored . . . I miss community . . . I miss having a community with which to Worship on Sunday mornings and live with during the week.

I am sure that many pastors who have left a church and not moved on to another pastoral call right away has struggled with this same issue . . . perhaps, my struggle is compounded as I am single, live in a rural area (of course I can drive into the city) and have chosen not to Worship in a church of my own denomination . . .

And even though this is the case, this brings me back to the Crosby/Kaye song . . . none of the pastors from my own denomination have invited me to Worship at the church where they are pastor . . . and I have to wonder, "why?" Perhaps, it is awkward . . . perhaps, they don't know how to make the offer . . . perhaps, they aren't interested in having a MOWS Worshiping with them . . . perhaps, they haven't even thought of it . . . and I don't want to come down hard on the pastors . . . there are laity who know about the situation and they haven't asked either. And even one of my colleagues in another denomination in this small rural community who knows my situation hasn't invited me to Worship at the church where he is the pastor. Only one woman has invited me to Worship with her and her husband at the church they attend (a Baptist church) So . . .

What can you do with a church pastor?

When (s)he stops being a church pastor?

So I am searching for a Worshiping community to partner with for the, at least, the next year . . . a place of welcome and invitation . . . a place of acceptance and challenge . . . a place for healing and growth.

And let us consider how to stir one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near. Hebrews 10: 24, 25

Lydia

Transitions . . .

2010-07-31T07:47:00.003-05:00

in the next month I will move across the River to begin a new adventure in ministry . . . a one year residency in Clinical Pastoral Education . . . it is an exciting time for me . . . a time of challenge, growth and above all discernment . . . discernment about where God is leading me in my next phase of ministry.

In a way this is a return . . . a return to the vision that called me away from a career as a clinical social worker to seminary . . . a vision which grew out of working with women, men, children and families who were broken and hurting . . . who were either on the fringes of the Church or outside the Church . . . who were in desperate need of the healing and life changing power of Jesus Christ . . . who the Church, for the most part, were ignoring.

The journey thus far and especially in the last five years has been instrumental to bringing me back to this vision . . . even though parts of the journey have been extremely painful God has used these experiences to bring me back to that original vision and to open doors to help focus this vision.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29: 11

Lydia

Long silence . . .

2010-07-14T08:03:00.004-05:00

I am not sure why the long silence . . . well, yes, it is Face Book . . . another venue for a cyber presence . . . but one that does not allow anonymity or at least how I set it up . . . here I have this so can share more fully.

I am no longer at the smaller membership church where I had served for five years . . . few probably would have noticed that my last Sunday was my 5th Anniversary with the church. What happened? I guess there could be many answers to that question . . . bottom line is it was time . . . as one of the Elders said to me on 2 occasions misquoting Scripture -- if they don't accept you shake the dust off your feet and leave . . . after three years of working with a church consult it was obvious that our understanding of church and what God calls the church to be and do were entirely different . . . and there were "controllers" . . . one who was not happy -- of course the church exists to make her happy . . . the other "I" offended when it was decided by the co-ordinator of the CE Program that her daughter should not continue to teach Sunday School as she was openly involved in an extramarital affair (the Sunday before my last I learn she is pregnant by this man -- this will be her third child born outside of marriage).

I am now in therapy, again -- third time since being associated with this congregation . . . it is powerful stuff . . . one of the amazing insights is that being in this dysfunctional congregation surfaced for me many family of origin issues leading me to be less effective than I could have been . . . however, out of this I am dealing with these issues . . . learning about myself and working to change behaviors that for the last five years have not served me well . . . so out of chaos has come hope and renewal.

God is good . . . the church negotiated a very generous settlement knowing that it takes 6 to 18 months for a person to find a new position . . . God is good . . . on August 30th I begin a year long residency in Clinical Pastoral Education in the Metro New Orleans area . . . a new position with a move across the River . . . it is an exciting and busy time . . . what happens after this year? . . . I don't know, but I know that God will provide as I partner with God in living within His plan for my life.

What's love got to do with it . . .

2010-03-08T10:26:00.004-06:00

I have been wrestling lately with the idea of God's unconditional love . . . yes, I can affirm that God's love is unconditional . . . I have no problem with this. Where my problem comes is when we translate this into believing that we are to love unconditionally . . . I just can't buy into this from a practical standpoint and more importantly from a theologically standpoint.

Although not a parent myself, I don't think parents love unconditionally . . . successful parenting calls for the parent provide structure for their child(ren) . . . limits/boundaries -- things that are acceptable and things that are not acceptable. Might I suggest that some of the problems are culture faces today are caused that at some point parents -- for a variety of reasons, have been unable to set clear boundaries or if these have been set the parents have been unable to follow through on consequences when a child crosses those boundaries.

Jesus said to his disciples: If you love me, you will do as I command. Then I will ask the Father to send the Holy Spirit who will help you and always be with you. The Spirit will show you what is true. The people of the world cannot accept the Spirit, because they don't see or know him. But you know the Spirit, who is with you and will keep living in you. John 14: 15 - 17

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. Now we know that Jesus gave a Reader's Digest version of the 10 Commandments: You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your heart, with all your soul and with all of your might. And you shall love your neighbor as yourself. So stealing from Bill Clinton infamous statement that it depends on how one defines the word "is" the question arises how do we define the word "love" . . . is love as Jesus talks about it an emotion or is it action, a way of being . . . perhaps the best definitions of the love that I believe God is calling us to show one another -- apart from Scripture, is written by M. Scott Peck in The Road Less Traveled: "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

I think when we look at the love that Jesus demonstrated Peck's definition encompasses how we as mere humans, although empowered by the Holy Spirit, can best live the love that Jesus calls us to live. Part of this love is to hold one another accountable to God's commands. Can we truly love people if we allow them to live in ways that are not in keeping with how God calls us to live.

Now, I know that this is the case made by those who are opposed to full inclusion of folks who are homosexual, lesbian and transgendered . . . and while the Church is focused on this we have men and women who are heterosexual involved in a variety of sexual relationships outside the bounds of marriage . . . too often we, and here I mean the Church, turn a blind eye. My first semester in seminary we had a man and women living together openly in the dorm . . . no one said anything. They broke up the following semester. Several years ago I was told by a staff member of a regional church group that if anyone brought "charges" against any one in our regional church groups based on a same sex relationship he has a file of which of our clergy and key leaders were having extramarital affairs.

In the last congregation I served we has several couples who lived together without benefit of marriage . . . no one said anything about these couples . . . interestingly, each came to me to tell me the reasons . . . each had to do with money (each of the women would lost the pensions they were receiving on their deceased husbands) . . . but they were welcomed in the church . . . after all, we are all sinners . . . when one of the men was asked to be a spiritual leader in the church, he came to talk to me -- to tell me why he would have to decline -- he knew that he was living in a way that was not pleasing to God and although he would continue to be an active member (as he tried to convince his live-in girlfriend that they didn't need the pension) of the church, but could not serve in a position of leadership.

Does the Church show their love when they turn a blind eye to bad behavior . . . behavior that is blatantly against God's will . . . or does the Church show their love when they are willing to say, 'we love you, but we do not believe your behavior is in line with what God desires as revealed in the Word.'

Just thinkin'

Lydia

Fear not . . .

2010-02-23T15:43:00.004-06:00

It has taken awhile to decide what to do, but (glup) I did it . . . I mailed a letter with the copy of the article to the governing body where I had my last call . . . the body that chose to do nothing about this pastor who may be . . . and this is the operative phrase, "may be" a serial sexual harrasser or worse. I sent it the old fashion way . . . snail mail . . . whether it gets there before they meet I don't know . . . at least the deed is done . . . my conscious is clear . . . I have done what I felt called to do . . . it is now out of my hands.

Whenever that nagging fear surfaces . . . that it will come back to bite me in the butt . . . I repeat my mantra -- "fear not" . . . this weekend reading randomly in the Bible these word jumped out . . . "for I am with you."

The odd thing is about 2 years ago I attended a meeting with some of the folks . . . some of the leadership, in that other place . . . part of the meeting was talking about how as a denomination we could no longer pass on pastors who had demoostrated bad behavior . . . of course, this man wasn't passed on . . . he was allowed to honorably retire . . . we no longer provide for any other kind of retirement . . . jsut honorable. I wonder . . . if the allegations are all true or even half of then, what does this say about what we believe about the word honorable? Has it lost its meaning?

This isn't a new thing . . . that we pass "problemed" pastors on . . . when I was in my 20's one was passed on to our church . . . he was accused of raping a 16 year old boy . . . the boy wouldn't testify in a church trial and the other eyewitness fled the juridiction when he got wind of it . . . his wife died several years later of AIDS . . . a few years later he followed.

I serve in a governing body that works hard not to do this . . . to pass on "troubled" pastors . . . we try to get them the help they need . . . even when it causes hard feelings . . . but isn't that what you do when you love someone . . . and aren't we called to love one another?

What to do . . .

2010-02-20T11:33:00.002-06:00

After the revelations of my last blog I have sought counsel from two spiritual mentors and an attorney . . . oh, yea -- the attorney is deeply spiritual and also deeply concerned about the Church and our denomination . . . he was helpful . . . one of the spiritual mentors responded . . . helpful and sad . . . the other didn't . . . I realize that in asking for his counsel I put him in a difficult situation . . . he is in one of the denominational regions where the tentacles from this may reach . . . after realizing this I have absolved him from response.

I have to admit it I am scared to take the counsel offered . . . fear that people will somehow use it against me . . . but should my fear combine with the blind eyes that have allowed this man to move from church to church with only God and possible victims knowing what he has done . . . he is now honorably retired . . . but my fear is that this goes back decades and that there are victims whose voices have been silent . . . who may in fact still be dealing with the pain -- the spiritual pain that a person called by God would do these things -- allegedly do these things . . . but even more than this, that other people called by God would turn a blind eye.

Worse is in between church gigs he taught in public schools . . . did anything happen there . . . are there young girls who were victims . . . I realize it isn't about sex . . . it is about power, control, his inadequacies but that doesn't erase the victims pain.

I remember when I was going through this initially my church (denomination) deserted me . . . I turned to a minister in another denomination to discuss how I was feeling torn between my strong sense of call and how I was feeling abandoned by the very men and women who had taken the same ordination vows that I did -- to be a friend among colleagues . . . where were they?

In the end I chose to be faithful to God's call both to ministry and to this particular denomination . . . but I think this is when I began seeing with new eyes.

My mantra has become "Fear not"

Lydia

The past comes back to haunt . . .

2010-02-05T16:47:00.006-06:00

It has been almost six years since she told me about how uncomfortable he was making her . . . he had already started working subtly to break down my confidence so I felt impotent to do anything to help her . . . I went to the moderator of the appropriate committee . . . he did nothing . . . oh, yea . . . keep documentation . . . as the weeks go on I observe more things and I keep documentation . . . I also keep calling . . . finally, I am threatened with my job. In the end it costed me my job . . . six month of my life defending myself against charges that I had lied to get rid of him . . . friendships.

I have worked slowly to forgive . . . more about my moving on . . . he left the area . . . oh, yea he did lose his job . . . the investigation resulted in "boys will be boys" and "no body was hurt" -- my intrepretation. . . the church secretary felt so unsafe she quit her 15 year job . . . a church was torn apart . . . and we have no idea about what other wounds were inflicted.

I heard about two and 1/2 years ago he was called to another church . . . I prayed hard that he had changed . . . I had seen how God had redeemed the experiences for the church secretary, for myself and even the church . . . they called a wonderful solo pastor . . . I hear that he has done well in healing them . . . even though we have met he never reached out and, in fact, when I was invited over 2 years later to a celebration for the 50th anniversary of the church he had me uninvited . . . what a message to the value of my 4 year ministry there.

Last night for some odd reason I google his name . . . a lawsuit has been filed against him . . . a member of the congregation he served has accused him of false imprisonment and rape . . . the church who called him, the judicial body over that church and the denomination are also named in the suit . . the lawsuit contends that people should have known . . . the article contents that when people were told they chose not to act . . . the article related that he told her that others had tried to hurt him but they were unsuccessful so she better kept her mouth shut . . . there is also a criminal investigation.

And we wonder about the state of the Church . . . if the judicial body who had oversight of him six years ago had taken the complaints seriously . . . if the investigated committee had done their job . . . was told last year by their chair that they didn't see the documents where he admitted everything . . . of course, we just misunderstood . . . why didn't they see these documents? . . . boys will be boys . . . no one was hurt.

Now, we have an 80 year old woman who relates she was hurt . . . imprisoned, raped and threatened alledgingly . . . and again the church was unwilling to respond . . . the Church failed this man . . . I believe that he is hurt and broken . . . and how did we show him love . . . by ignoring his pain and brokenness . . . to preserve the institution

The past has come back to haunt me . . . the pain and anger is back . . . and I wonder, what do I do with what I know . . . and I am praying . . . for this woman, his other victims and for him.

Lydia

A New Year . . .

2010-01-01T07:27:00.002-06:00

It is a New Year . . . I use to make resolutions, I don't anymore as they would fall by the wayside within a month or so . . . this year no resolutions just a prayer . . .

Come, Holy Spirit,Spirit of God, Spirit of the Risen Christ,

Be with me today and always.

Be my Light, my Guide, and my Comforter.

Be my Strength, my Courage, and my Sanctifier.
May this new year be a time of deep spiritual growth for me,

A time for welcoming Your graces and gifts,

A time for forgiving freely and unconditionally,

A time for growing in virtue and goodness.
Come, Holy Spirit,

Be with me today and always. Amen.

Some children . . .

2009-12-18T09:05:00.004-06:00

Some children see Him lily white,the baby Jesus born this night.

Some children see Him lily white,with tresses soft and fair.

Some children see Him bronzed and brown, The Lord of heav'n to earth come down.

Some children see Him bronzed and brown, with dark and heavy hair.

Some children see Him almond-eyed, this Savior whom we kneel beside.some children see Him almond-eyed,with skin of yellow hue.

Some children see Him dark as they, sweet Mary's Son to whom we pray.

Some children see him dark as they, and, ah! they love Him, too!

The children in each different place will see the baby Jesus' face like theirs, but bright with heavenly grace, and filled with holy light.

O lay aside each earthly thing and with thy heart as offering,

come worship now the infant King.

'Tis love that's born tonight!

Several years ago at one of the churches I served, a couple asked if they might do some special music the Sunday before Christmas . . . "of course if it is appropriate" . . . they assured me it was appropriate . . . tears flowed as I heard them sing these lyrics . . . and it reminded me of another song . . . Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world . . . did you know this is just the refrain to a hymn written to the tune of a Civil War song . . . there are verses, yes, verses . . . and there is an alternative refrain. . . Jesus died for all the children,All the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, All are precious in His sight, Jesus died for all the children of the world.

Powerful words and powerful reminders that Jesus is Lord of all colors of people . . . . as members of the One Family of God adopted by God through the person and work of Jesus Christ, especially His work on the cross can't the Church work harder to end racism and hatred?

Perhaps this is the gift that we need to pursue with all we are.

For God so loved the world . . .

Lydia

Instant Karma . . .

2009-12-05T09:34:00.002-06:00

John Lennon wrote those lyrics . . . do I believe in karma like the Hindus do, no, but these is a saying my Mama taught me . . . she learned it from her Sunday School teacher when she was a little girl . . . she celebrates her 84th tomorrow . . . oh, what she learned: "be careful your sins will find you out." Is this in the Bible . . . no, I don't think these word are, but I think we have some evidence that there are consequences for things that we choose to do . . . Joseph's brothers, David and I am sure that there are many, many other examples that bear this out in Scripture and I am sure that we have all had experiences of this in our own lives.

Whether this is an example or not it is about what goes around comes around . . . more than 3 and 1/2 decades later (if my math is correct!?) When I was in 9th grade I liked a boy named Billy, a foot ball player . . . he liked a friend of mine, Chris . . . now Chris was a cheerleader, cute and outgoing . . . on the other hand, I eschewed football, was OK looking and introverted . . . Billy and Chris started dating . . . I was mad and wanted to get back at Chris for "stealing" Billy . . . so one day in Home Economics we were baking cakes from scratch . . . I waited for the opportunity to switch Chris' baking power for baking soda . . . her cake failed to rise.

I remembered this incident early this morning . . . I don't bake often but decided to bake some Christmas bread while visiting my family . . . so yesterday morning I got all my ingredients together . . . mixed them together . . . put the loaf pans in the oven . . . an hour later I check them . . . they don't appear to be rising as much as they should . . . after they are baked I look at them . . . flat. Later in the evening we go ahead and have a slice . . . although it didn't rise it tasted OK . . . about 2am this morning I woke up went to the pantry . . . yes, I had used baking soda instead of baking powder . . . and then I remembered Chris' face when Mrs. Neighbors graded her cake . . . "F." Chris and Billy are married and one of the few couples I know of from high school who are still living happily ever after.

Maybe the Golden rule of treating others as you would like to be treated isn't such a bad thing . . . most of the world religions have a similar concept . . . what might the world look like if we were to all live like this?

Lydia

It's about time . . .

2009-11-13T16:13:00.003-06:00

It has been a long time since I have posted. Let me count the reasons . . . computer problems and lack of time . . . the first has been taken care of and the second continues to be a problem . . . really, an excuse . . . I think part of it is that I was kind of bummed out, but there seems to have been a remarkable change in the past two months.

The smaller membership church I partner with is in the process of a spiritual renewal . . . no, not all of the members . . . yesterday after Bible Study I started hearing the complaints . . . I don't like the changes . . . why isn't the choir sitting in the church anymore . . . they are . . . they just aren't wearing robes and sitting in the Chancel anymore . . . they sit in the congregation with their families then gather on the steps to sing . . . we hear better and most of the choir members like sitting with their families . . . they also help the congregation sing better singing among them.

It is sad that this woman can't make the connection between the increase in people who aren't members of the church joining in the life and work of the church . . . in the past half year we are having an increase in Worship attendance . . . in a smaller membership congregation any increase is significant, but we have about 7 adults and about 8 kids who are regular attendees . . . some who have been searching, one who has been way from the Church for about 34 years, three who are children of this congregation and left because of stodginess and were attending non-denominational churches -- now they're back and active! Last Sunday between Church School and Worship we had about 10 kids under the age of 8 out on the front lawn with about 6 over the age of 8 but not yet teens.

But contrasting this woman are others who through the process of moving deeper into relationship with Jesus have recognized that "t isn't about me" it is about the kingdom and are willing to embrace change so that others will come to know Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior.

Advent will be the test . . . our Worship will look different . . . reformed but different is what came out of our 2010 Visioning Retreat.

Lydia

Moving into the vision . . .

2009-09-11T13:10:00.002-05:00

I have now been the partner with this smaller membership congregation for 4 years and 1/4 . . . we have been through many storms together, both natural and human-mad (unrealistic expectations them of me, and me of them, unresolved anger, critical spirits, unforgiving natures, egos, vanity, wandering from the Word) . . . and now we seem to be gelling.

Next Saturday we have our second Visioning Retreat . . . this one building on our last and looking into the new year . . . we will be focusing on Worship, Nurture and Outreach . . . how we are working in each of these areas to be living the kingdom in the here and now.

Our congregation is slowly changing . . . in how we dress, what we look like, how we Worship, how we experience being the church together. . . it is exciting . . . it is scary . . . it is exhilarating . . . it is exhausting . . . above all I hope and pray that it is pleasing to God.

Where will the path take us . . . I pray it will take us to a place of being . . . being in deeper and fuller relationship with Jesus . . . and through our having deeper and fuller relationships with Jesus we will have deeper and fuller relationships with one another . . . relationships where we can rip our masks off and be vulnerable with one another . . . relationships that dare stepping out in faith to be the church in new and exciting ways to those in our community who do not know Jesus the source of life.

Ready for the trip,

Lydia

It has been a while . . .

2009-08-28T19:47:00.004-05:00

life has been flowing swiftly almost like the waters of white rapids . . . and I am paddling as fast as I can to stay a float . . . sometimes the currents are going so fast my breathe is taken away . . . even though sometimes the ride is scary, it is also exhilirating.

The smaller membership church I partner with is moving forward in our transformational process, but it has been sloooooow going and the changes are not what I expected.

Well, I am not really sure what I expected, but I certainly didn't expect that alot of the changes I would be seeing would be in myself . . . in the way I preach, in my becoming more comfortable in the pulpit, and I have learned what it means to live I Corinthians Chapter 13, not perfectly, but more thoughtfully.

It is my prayer that as others go deeper and further with Jesus they will see places and relationship where the Word is transforming them more and more into the image of Christ, Himself . . . listen how Paul tells us what God desires in us . . . So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12: 1-2

Lydia

One year anniversary . . .

2009-07-03T14:58:00.003-05:00

Today is Anam Cara's One year Anniversary . . . although I have not been as disciplined as I had hoped in blogging nor has the blog had much, if any traffic, it has served, and is serving, its purpose well . . . it is a place where I can share my thoughts as I continue the journey of spiritual growth.

In thinking over the past year, it has been an amazing time of spiritual growth for me as well as for the smaller membership church which I partner with . . . although we have not seen the numerical growth for which we have been praying . . . in fact the opposite is happening as members continue to leave this area as they grow older so to avoid nasty evacuations and to be closer to their families . . . but we are now getting visitors who are sticking . . . and more than this we have people who are really going deeper and further in their spiritual lives . . . it is revealed in how we are living with one another in more healthy ways.

I give thanks to God for God's claim on my life and God calling me to partner with this group of pilgrims living on the banks of the Mighty River . . . may our lives together bring You honor and glory as we live in the freedom that we have been given through Your Son, Jesus Christ.

Lydia

2009-07-01T13:24:00.002-05:00

Over at St. Casserole's Blog she reminds us that she has celebrated 31 years as an ordained Minister of Word and Sacrament . . . in the work I am doing with our transformational consultant I am exploring the concept of spiritual mentoring. I am reading a wonderful book . . . not the one that he is having the small group I am in read . . . I am drawn to it in a way that I am not to the one he is having us read . . . as I savor the pages, I recall all the women in my life who have been spiritual mentors and spiritual friends (anam caras) to me . . . I take delight and joy in counting St. Casserole among these.

Fresh out of seminary she was called as the Associate Pastor to the church I attended while going to college. St. Casserole was the first female minister I had met . . . I had heard tales, but had never actually met one of these strange and mysterious creatures. I didn't know her well back then, but how I loved seeing her in action . . . her first baptism in that church (was it her first? probably) . . . how different it was than the ones I had seen before . . . what was it? . . . I now recognize it as her abounding grace and love for God's children and the joy she experiences as she touches others for and is touched by God in such simple ways.

It was through St. Casserole my own call to ordained ministry was confirmed . . . I had first heard God's call when I was six, but didn't know to what . . . God issued the call again that Sunday when I saw St. Casserole baptize that baby and bring her into the congregation. It took close to two decades to get to seminary as my pastor didn't think God was calling me to be a MOWS . . . funny, how he divorced his wife after she accepted God's call to ordained ministry.

Years later another female MOWS helped reframe this experience for me . . . God had other things for me to learn. This month I begin my 11th year of ordained ministry.

I give thanks and praise to all those women who paved the way . . . perhaps, one day we will understand what it means to see like God does . . . There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3: 28 (NIV)

Lydia

Summertime . . .

2009-06-20T07:34:00.006-05:00

Summer technically begins tomorrow, but temperatures down in this neck of the woods are already in the mid-90's with heat indexes in the 100's . . . estimated to be 110 today.

When I woke up this morning "Summertime" was playing in my head . . . I am not sure the reason . . . yes, I love the song . . . yes, it is hot . . . yes, summer starts tomorrow . . . but as I sang the words along with the radio in my head these words seemed to stand out, "but until that morning, there's nothing can harm you with your daddy and your momma standing by" . . . I wonder -- I know it sounds strange, if this song doesn't resonant with me as it reminds me of God's providential care . . . perhaps, this is a stretch, but this is what sings in my heart this morning . . . how wonderful to realize that I have a Heavenly Parent who is with me even in the heat of life -- and in the heat of life I am not referring to temperature, but those times in life that cause us to struggle . . . God is always with us . . . protecting, guiding, and comforting and even cooling us off when we heat up.

Summertime,
And the livin' is easy
Fish are jumpin'
And the cotton is high

One of these mornings
You're going to rise up singing
Then you'll spread your wings
And you'll take to the sky

But until that morning
There's a'nothing can harm you
With your daddy and mammy standing by

God's blessings on you,

Lydia

Taking the plunge . . .

2009-06-15T20:53:00.003-05:00

Well, I did it . . . after more than a year of thinking about it I purchased a new car Friday . . . I chose to buy a hybrid . . . hoping in some small way I am being a better steward of the resources God has entrusted to us.

Lydia

2009-06-07T15:02:00.002-05:00

Deep Peace to You

Deep peace of the running wave to you.

Deep peace of the flowing air to you.

Deep peace of the quiet earth to you.

Deep peace of the shining stars to you.

Deep peace of the Prince of Peace to you.

Lydia

Running on empty . . .

2009-06-03T14:33:00.005-05:00

For the past several weeks I have felt as if I were "running on empty" . . . actually, one of my favorite Jackson Browne's songs . . . Late for the Sky album . . . yes, I know that this dates me and no I was not 17 in 65! The chorus goes

Running on - running on empty

Running on - running blind

Running on - running into the sun

But I'm running behind

When we began our intentional transformational process and we were challenged to come up with a vision this song started playing in my head. It wasn't so much about me then . . . it was about the yearning all around me that I sense for something more . . . and that something more is really Someone -- I believe there is a strong yearning in people to be refreshed by the the Living Water. When I shared this folks they laughed . . . "let's put an old gas pump out in front of the church with a sign, 'Let us fill you up with Jesus' . . . and as I have thought about this off and on over the course of the following 18 months I have thought that perhaps a better image is an old water pump.

In '69 I was still a kid . . . Hurricane Camille came rushing ashore of the Mississippi Gulf Coast. We were stuck at home without water and electricity for a couple of weeks . . . my Daddy use to load us up in our borrowed Mustang . . . great family car! . . . but two of the family cars were lost to the water . . . although the other one floated --VW bug, in the garage, it didn't run . . . and we would go to the artesian well pump two blocks east of our house . . . it has long since been recapped . . . but I still remember those hot muggy days when we would go over to fill gallon jugs . . . I remember drinking that cool, rushing water . . . feeling it wash over my head as I would wash my hair . . . as I remember it either there weren't many folks in town at that time or folks didn't know about the pump . . . I didn't know about it until my Daddy took me over there.

In these past several weeks I have been longing for refreshing waters . . . I found them this weekend at a Worship Renewal Weekend . . . just as the gushing waters from that artesian well refreshed me after the Hurricane Camille the Living Water that flowed during this Worship Renewal Weekend refreshed me in a much needed way . . . it slowed me down . . . helping me to remind me that (wo)man's chief end in life is to to glorify God, and to enjoy God for ever. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of even God's work in the local church we tend to forget this and God has to remind us to slow down, to be still and know that God is God.

Thank you God for filling me up this weekend.

Lydia

New thoughts . . .

2009-05-15T22:18:00.006-05:00

It is hard to believe how long it has been since I have added a post . . .

Recently I have joined a small group from across our presbytery who are doing advanced training in transformational ministry. One of the men in the group asked what our experiences have been with transformational ministry. The church I partner with is now 18 months into the process . . . this was my response to him.

Emotionally my experiences have run the gamut from immense frustration to immense joy, but I think now I have learned to be content knowing that it is not about me . . . although, paradoxically, it is about me . . . it is about me being willing to be open to the HS working to help me go deeper and further with Jesus and through me to help others go deeper and further with Jesus.

Honesty . . . I didn’t realize my need to go deeper and further with Jesus . . . after all, I am a MOWS!! A large part of my growth has led me to get off the emotional roller coaster although again in all honesty I still find myself booking a ticket on certain days, but more often than not I don't get on.

If truth be told the greatest emotion I had to overcome was fear . . . fear of people not liking me, fear of making people unhappy. A huge debt of gratitude goes to Tom for helping me reach this place. Interestingly . . .

there was/is a lot of fear in this community of faith about the process of transformation . . . even the word transformation is fearful for some people here and although Tom gave us other names transformation is very Biblical and I won’t shrink from using the word. But I am couching the word in love and grace and gentleness.

I haven’t quite figured out the origins of this fear – on the surface, it may be related to the Presbyterian mantra “we have always done it this way” or it may be related to the real possibility that transformation will bring changes in leadership (which we are already seeing), but I am wondering more if the fear is not related to having to look, assess and perhaps find that their own relationship with Jesus is lacking.

I don’t want to be critical of this congregation, especially as I don’t think they are much different than most mainline congregations, but the sad fact is that it hasn’t been about Jesus . . . it has been about “us.” Yet, almost every day I see this is changing . . . in individual lives and by extension in the congregation as a whole.

Without wanting to sound like an egomaniac it began with me -- really, rather than egomaniac, it was about me growing more into having and living with a servant heart . . . with my own willingness to invest more than I thought I would and could. Although it can be energy draining in a physical sense, paradoxically it has also been life-affirming. God has blessed me with good friends, both near and far, who keep before me my need for self-care. This is a key – self care.

At one point, late last year, for me self-care meant stepping away for awhile from doing transformational ministry (about three months) to make room for more intense prayer, study and planning for transformational ministry. I came back re-energized and recommitted because this is what I believe God desires for this church. It was after this break that I was able to see little blossoms of spiritual growth everywhere. It isn’t huge growth but it is growth and this growth is bringing hope to a congregation that I really believe has been living in a fog of hopelessness for many, many years.

Peace,

Lydia

Frustration . . .

2009-02-13T23:08:00.005-06:00

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you feel as if you are being pulled from every single side . . . this is where I have been this week and it ain't fun.

In my last call I served as an AP . . . before the church moved to the Senior Pastor/ AP model they tried the Co-Pastor model . . . it didn't work out . . . from everyting I have read and heard they rarely do, but I think most of this is because they are entered into for the wrong reasons . . . I know this was true in this former situation . . . although they called this pastor the Co-Pastor he was an AP . . . by calling him as the Co-Pastor they avoided the search process. RABBIT TRAIL . . . anyway, I never met him, but someone in the congregation told me that one of their problems with him was that he always felt tomorrow was another day . . . now, at first blush I couldn't see what was wrong with this . . . that is until the person continued, 'he was putting in enough hours as he always thought there would be time tomorrow.'

But you know what . . . I think I must think like that member of the congregation . . . and this, ultimately is what leads to my frustration . . . I can talk the talk, but I don't walk the walk . . . yes, I can talk about wanting to be more like Mary . . . sitting at the feet of Jesus . . . heck, I even used that image today in the prayer I offered after Women's Bible Study -- which, by the way, I did on my day off . . . but to be honest they changed it to Friday as I was going to be out of town for a church thing, but I am Martha . . . I want to be Mary.

It's Friday night . . . moving onto midnight . . . tomorrow I will be working on policy . . . something coming form a committee I chair . . . three people were working on it and when I received the copy of it tonight I was FRUSTRATED so started on revisions . . . I will also begin planning Ash Wednesday services that will lead into a study of the spiritual disciplines during Lent.

As I leave let me share a poem with you that I found on line at AgentOrange -- a strange place to find a beautiful poem that describes the journey through Lent that I want to be able to take this year . . .

winter's like an inside wilderness:
it's broken branches and creaking bones;
it's like a fast from light and heat, a cold retreat.
it's not just beyond the body walls:
there is an inside frozenness, too;
a winter of the heart and soul, dark-cold as coal.
the inner wild is evil-laden,
filled with devils and bright temptation;
marked by love of self and pride, the us we hide.
but there is a way that leads to life:
a lenten journey from dark to light;
a passion path through days of lent and winter spent.

My prayer for Lent is that I learn to slow down . . . to learn to be as the title of a book reads, "A Mary in a Martha World" . . .

What is your prayer for Lent?

Lydia

2009-02-01T16:13:00.002-06:00

The congregation I partner with has been involved . . . or we say we have, in a process of intentional transformation. I say "we say we have" as I haven't seen any real commitment on the part of the congregation . . . we said we were . . . more than 1/2 the congregation signed a commitment for openness to transformation when we began working with an internationally known consultant in church transformation over 18 months ago . . . but I had begun to wonder if we were only giving lip service to being open to the Holy Spirit working in and through us to capture this new thing God is wanting to do here . . . to use this church in building the Kingdom by reaching out into our community with the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

As I wrestled with this, I realized that I was judging the congregation while not really looking at myself . . . I spend about two months in prayer and reflection asking God how I needed to be opened to the Holy Spirit so to be in a better position to help lead God's people through this process . . . in the process, I was lead to an unlikely book of the Bible (Nehemiah) and to Andy Stanley's book on visioning.

I have spent the better part of three months now kind of engrossed in Nehemiah -- three weeks ago I began preaching a series on The Building Blocks of Vision (much of the credit here goes to Stanley), provided the Session a Bible study on what it means to be spiritual leaders based on Nehemiah, and am in the middle of planning a Visioning Retreat for the Session and congregation as we seek God's vision for this church.

You see I had forgotten the first key to transformational ministry -- it begins with the individual, even, and perhaps most importantly, the pastor allowing herself to be transformed by the Holy Spirit . . . Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2

I don't know where this process of transformational ministry will lead this particular congregation . . . I pray that we will continue to go deeper and further with Jesus . . . there are signs that many of us are on the way . . .

Lydia

Learning to tell time . . .

2009-01-02T06:56:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow in recognition of the beginning of a new year, I am preaching from Ecclesiastes 3: 1-14 about the cycle of life . . . moving into the cycle of life of the local church . . . this comes on the heels of my finding out that the church where I was a charter member and who I was under care of in seminary is closing its doors in March of this year . . . if the presbytery approves it.

Before Katrina there was a move to do this . . . membership was around ten . . . although no longer a member of that presbytery I heard that a fairly new member of this smaller membership church made an impassioned plea on the floor of presbytery to keep it open . . . and her plea was echoed by the pastor of a sister church (mid-sized) about 20 miles away . . . so Presbytery kept the church open . . . after Katrina God graced the presbytery and this church with funds to bring in a bright and forward thinking Minister of Word and Sacrament . . . the church yoked with another church in the same town . . . the yoke didn’t work -- it was one-sided . . . the church changed its name . . . and the woman who gave the impassioned plea to keep the church open, her family and her sister’s family left the church shortly after Katrina . . . the church wasn’t able to help them the way they wanted after Katrina . . . Remember, membership was about 10 -- most of them her family and Katrina had done a job on the entire area.

As I have shared this news with folks here they have offered their condolences . . . telling me how sad I must be . . . but I’m not . . . I am nostalgic . . . but more than this I think “what ifs?” . . . what if the organizing pastor hadn’t left? . . . what if after that we had called so and so . . . What if we really understood what it meant to be a church . . . like many churches it was, for a large majority of us, about us . . . not about those outside our doors. When we were doing the mission study for calling a new pastor I remember the fights . . . over whether or not we really wanted to grow . . . If we really wanted to fulfill the mission of the Church and the local church . . . to go into the world and make disciples . . . It is the same struggle that continues in so many congregations, including this one . . . Yes, we want to grow as long as we don’t have to change.

But life -- whether a human life or the life of a local congregation, is about change . . . we are always changing . . . Change is inevitable . . . The question is will we manage change depending on God’s leading us through or will we change drag us kicking and screaming or worse yet passively into the future . . . If the church is alive and organic then they have life cycles just like human beings . . .

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

This new year I pray that we will learn to tell time,

Lydia

Encountering Jesus . . .

2008-12-27T19:09:00.002-06:00

Many, many years ago as a young Elder I volunteered to take our youth group to Montreat. After that experience I vowed “never again!” Flash forward about a quarter of a century -- I am now doing my seminary internship when I am told by my supervisor that we’ll chaperone the youth group on their annual mission trip. “No, Brad, you don’t understand I don’t do youth trips.” After Christmas I find myself in the front passenger seat of a van with 15 teenagers heading down to work with the PCUSA Border Ministry in Nuevo Laredo.

It was one of the most amazing experiences . . . not the work . . . there wasn’t much of that as once we got down there they decided we weren’t the construction type . . . we had been scheduled to work on laying the foundation for a new building in the medical compound where we were staying. Instead they scrambled to find us work we could do . . . we were assigned to paint the orphanage in the colonia (neighborhood) where we were staying.

The orphanage wasn’t like those we think of where children who have lost their parents or have been abandoned live until they can, hopefully, be adopted. This orphanage housed many of the children from the colonia; their parents placed them there so they would have a place to sleep, running water, food to eat and could get, at the very least, some education. The colonia was marred by abject poverty -- shacks made out of cardboard, sewage running in the streets. As a social worker who early in my career made home visits to some of the poorest areas of the Mississippi Gulf Coast I thought I knew the face of poverty, but I was shocked. And frankly I was worried about the teens . . . white upper middle class kids who wanted for nothing.

After the first day it became obvious that we weren’t going to get a lot of work out of the teens . . . they had found playmates in the kids of the orphanage . . . so Brad and I painted . . . later we were joined by some of the parents . . . our kids and their kids played and got to know each other, despite the language barrier.

As I write this the tears come back . . . for you see all of us experienced Jesus on that trip in ways that none of us could ever imagine. Our trip ended on Epiphany . . . that’s the big celebration in Mexico . . . it ended with Worship and although my little Spanish wasn’t much help in understanding what was being said in that small chapel with plain wooden benches, a dirt floor and in the cold of winter words weren’t needed . . .

We are all just travelers on this journey called life;
Some walk in darkness, while others follow the Light.
We carry our treasures so close to our heart;
Some we let go of while others never part.
And somewhere on this journey we encounter a King
That will change us forever, to Him our treasures bring.
(Lynn Cooper)

A fellow traveler,
Lydia

Balancing Act . . .

2008-11-21T11:00:00.003-06:00

I am not sure where the time goes . . . I checked in on my blog today only to find that it has been almost three weeks since I last posted . . . where has the time gone? My goal was that my blogging would be a spiritual discipline for me . . . when it began it was . . . now, more than often I forget . . . this is OK . . . when I need it, it is here . . . but I fear that it is reflective of my own spiritual life right now . . . catch as catch can . . . I tend to keep "busy" with important church things . . . perhaps I am a little more like Martha than I want or need to be . . . I have often thought were I born at an earlier time I would have been a contemplative . . . yet, it seems that as a friend of mine says I have not learn to either say "no" or "to sit on my hands" . . .

As we move into Advent my prayer is that I will learn to slow down and be more like Mary . . .

If you are tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to me and I will give you rest. Take the yoke I give you. Put it on your shoulders and learn from me. I am gentle and humble, and you will find rest. This yoke is easy to bear, and this burden is light. Matthew 11:28-30

Any advice?

Lydia

Politics of hatred . . .

2008-10-30T14:06:00.002-05:00

Recently a member of the congregation here suggested that she had been hearing more racist comments in the last six months that she had in the whole previous year . . . her comment made my ears more sensitive . . . although I hate to I have to agree with her.

Having grown up in the deep south white, middle-class I realize I grew up a child of privilege . . . I don't know the reason that this is my life, but it is and I am thankful . . . but it also means that I have a responsibility . . . a responsibility not only as a child of privilege, but a responsibility as a child of God.

Three are a couple of vivid memories about race that stand out for me:

The first was when I was about six . . . we moved to the small Southern town where I grew up . . . driving along the main drag (Jeff Davis!) we pasted the laundry . . . "Mama why would you bring whites only to wash?" . . . my Mama had to tell me that the sign meant that black people couldn't use the washing machines . . . I remember thinking that this was odd.

The second was about 13 years later when I was attending a small liberal arts church related college . . . primarily white students, but a handful of African-Americans . . . several who were friends . . . I night one of the women in my dorm asked if I would drive her and a couple of her friends (women I didn't know) over to the historically African-American universities in town . . . "sure" . . . for the first time I realized how it felt to be a minority . . . it wasn't a comfortable experience for any of us, but it got better as we talked.

Then while I was doing an internship, again in the South, a co-worker and I went to lunch . . . he was an African American Captain in the USAF . . . the restaurant we chose refused to serve us . . . I was shocked and wanted to protest . . . to speak to the manger . . . he wanted to leave, go somewhere else . . . we did.

With the comments I have been hearing since my ears have perked up I realize that we are still living in a country that is deeply divided . . . along color lines -- not just racial color lines, but red and blue lines . . . economic lines -- the haves and the have-nots . . . and among so many other lines of our own making . . . what does this say about having been made in the Image of God? What does it say about Scripture like the Golden Rule and the Matthew 25 text where the sheep and the goats are divided . . . "Lord, when did we see you . . . Truly, I tell you when you did it to the least of these you did it unto me."

Lydia

Where did the time go?

2008-10-29T21:01:00.004-05:00

It is hard to believe that I haven't blogged since September 14th! I am not sure where the time has gone . . . time is flying . . . things are so hectic . . . I barely have time to breathe some days . . . I know this isn't good for me, but there is so much to do on so many fields.

We continue to lose members at the church as more people are choosing to leave this area, especially after this last hurricane season . . . more than this, people are choosing not to move into the area . . . lots of "hiring" signs, lots of "for sale" signs with houses not moving . . . I understand the plants/factories are not able to hire people as people aren't willing to move here. And in the face of this the majority of the congregation seem to be giving up . . . yet, we know that there are many in our community who are not connected with any church.

Things in our governing body are horrendous . . . running out of money . . . probably having to cut back on staff which will mean that local pastors will have to carry more responsibility . . . I am not sure that I can continue at this pace . . . several of us will be on retreat in about two weeks to figure out where our governing body goes from here . . . it is both exciting to see that God may be doing something new here, while it is also scary as we will probably be moving into uncharted waters . . . but, of course, in a way we have been here since Katrina.

After the retreat I will begin two weeks of vacation. Perhaps after vacation I will find balance . . . stop being Martha so much and take time -- more time, to be Mary.

Lydia

Grieving . . .

2008-09-14T23:46:00.004-05:00

This was a hard weekend for many folks . . . it was a hard weekend for me . . . although the community where I live received little damage from Ike we were expecting more . . . most of us were on edge . . . amazing the little damage we had since our streets were lined with debris . . . the street in front of my house was six feet high and three feet wide from the remnants of Gustav and the eight trees that my neighbors had count down Thursday . . . the debris was blocking the ditch . . . I feared if we got heavy rains the front yard would start flooding . . . this has never happened.

Folks up north about 7 miles from here didn’t make out as well . . . Their homes are not that well built . . . Many live in trailers . . . many of them are fishermen . . . many homes flooded again . . . two weeks ago Gustav flooded these homes . . . even taking some homes . . . 1500 without power . . . Some won’t get electricity for another week if then with new damage.

South west of us areas hit hard by Rita and Gustav were hit hard again . . . and today a colleague of mine E-mailed to say that up where he is damage was worst than Rita . . . he can’t locate some of the members of the church with which he partners . . . several have lost their homes . . . he hasn’t been able to contact some of the other pastors in the area.

And I can’t imagine what the conditions are in Houston, Galveston and other areas in TX . . . I was glued to the television for much of the weekend . . . I am not sure the obsession . . . I wonder if this is what it was like after Katrina? . . . I had no power so no television . . . I remember when I got power back and began seeing the pictures.

Again, today I hear, “we must be living right!” . . . and my response in my head is a string of questions . . . does this mean that those who suffered the ravages of Ike weren’t living right? . . . what does this say about God? . . . what does it say about what we believe about God? . . . do people really believe that God is some Cosmic Chess Master deciding the moment to moment moves in people’s lives? . . . what happens to free will, even odd as it sounds the free will of nature? I know the answers for me . . . I know that God is no Cosmic Chess Master . . . I know that God is grieving over what so many of His precious children suffered and are suffering in the face of these winds, wind-driven water, and heavy rains, tornadoes and fires . . . God is grieving for those who lost their homes . . . God is grieving for those who lost their lives and for the families who mourn their lost . . . God is grieving for those who are lost and awaiting rescue. God is grieving . . . And so are we.

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many . . . If one part suffers, every part suffers with it. I Corinthians 12: 14, 26a

Lydia

Here we go again . . .

2008-09-12T09:26:00.006-05:00

I don't want to make light of what is happening right now or what is to come later to our brothers and sisters to the East of us with Ike . . . I am praying for their safety

Yesterday as I was leaving the church for a hospital visit the winds were whipping up . . . the sky was dark . . . after the visit I am barely out of the parking lot when the heavens opens and the rains come . . . they come hard. Later at Bible Study I learn that school is cancelled for Friday . . . "we're expecting flooding tomorrow" I am told . . . I get a lesson in our pumping system . . . even with heavy rains I have a pool outside my back door . . . only once has it threatened my floors . . . across the Lake I am hearing that there is 7 feet of water already in streets . . . houses there are on stilts . . . this is just the start of the rising waters that Ike is bringing to this area . . . what must it be like in TX? God have mercy.

This morning I woke to the tornado warning . . . I have been up only an hour (day off, sermon done!) and the warning has gone off twice . . . I have my chair in the hall, just in case I hear a train. During Camille (1969) my family stayed at home . . . stupid . . . at one point I asked my Daddy . . . "Daddy, why are the trains running?" . . . "Honey, those aren't trains those are tornadoes." . . . so I am listening for trains . . . FLASH: Highway 90 (26 miles) in South MS from Ocean Springs to Bay St. Louis is closed as water is rising over the highway. God have mercy.

My mother has asked me . . . ministers get these questions . . . as if we have all the answers! . . . "why is all of this happening?" . . . I interpret her question -- "why does God allow this to happen?" . . . how many folks have this question roaming in their heads and spirits? . . . I remind my Mom of what she and my Dad told me about Camille . . . God didn't cause Camille to happen . . . and I remember the conversation I had with my theology professor about this years later . . . "yes, Lydia, God didn't cause Camille but God is responsible as God made nature to work as it works." But now I wonder . . . have we don't something to interfere with God's good creation . . . air pollution, misuse/abuse of the earth, over grazing, coastal erosion, on and on and on. God have mercy.

"God created man in his image, male and female he created them. He blessed them, and said to them, 'Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth. I give you the green plants and every fruit-bearing tree for food.' God looked upon all that he had made, and he saw that it was good." Genesis 1: 27-31

Almighty God, we thank You for calling us to be stewards of the earth. You have made the earth our dwelling place for a while. You fill it with great beauty to remind us that it is Yours. It overflows with bountiful gifts to sustain us and to gladden our hearts.

Yet, we have misused this gift, treating it as if there were nothing we could do to harm it. We see that our misunderstanding of what it means to be good stewards has lead us to neglect this gift you have given us. O God, help us learn to use the earth wisely, to treat it with loving care, to be good stewards for the time we are here. Help us understand that how we treat the earth has real consequences not only for us, but for the generatioins to come. Amen.

Lydia

Coincidence . . .

2008-09-10T16:18:00.002-05:00

Monday I was sitting in my office when one of the Elders dropped by . . . "Hi, what are you doing here?"

"I'm not sure. I didn't have to work today. I was out running errands and for some reason I decided to drop by the church."

As we are chitchatting the doorbell rings . . . when I am there by myself I keep the door locked . . . we move to the door . . . "Are we having Bible study this morning?" . . . "No, I am sorry nobody called you." (We let a local woman hold her Bible study at our church on Monday mornings . . . in fact, we have about 20 community groups that use our facilities for their meetings) . . . "Girl, where have you been?" . . . this woman had been Elder's daughter first babysitter over two decades ago . . . and then it began to flow . . . this woman was a mess . . . she was still dealing with the murder three years ago (shortly after Katrina) of her son by the police in the town over . . . she feels as if it was never adequately investigated and that she and her family got no justice . . . her husband retired four years ago, a few weeks later he was dxed with leukemia, and a month later they found out that his life insurance company never received the papers they needs and his policy was cancelled . . . her other son had major damage after Katrina . . . he received substantial damage from Gustav . . . she and her husband received damage from Gustav to their fence . . . neither of them are able to work on the fence . . . every agency she has turned to for help has turned her down . . . she has had numerous surgeries in the last three years . . . she was a mess . . . Elder and I held her and prayed . . . Elder took her name and number so our mission team could help repair her fence.

As Elder was leaving . . . "I suppose you are going to tell me there are no coincidences?"

"Yep!"

Lydia

Revealing tears . . .

2008-09-09T06:16:00.003-05:00

Sunday was an emotional day for the congregation I partner with . . . through the coaching in our intentional transformational process I am being challenged to step out of my comfort zone as a preacher . . . it is funny, I had no problem with doing this weekly in the contemporary Worship at the last church I partnered with, but here I have not been comfortable stepping out of that zone . . . yet, when I do the congregation, as a whole, responses well . . . this is an issue I will need to work on.

But yesterday I did step out of that zone . . . the service was built around Psalm 46 . . . the sermon was interactive . . . giving the congregation (almost the normal number of Worshippers) opportunities to ask some probing questions about their recent experiences . . . I was fearful that they wouldn't respond, but they did . . . emotionally . . . powerfully . . . it began slowly . . . people were hesitant . . . the words came . . . the emotions opened . . . first, a few dabbing eyes . . . then tears flowing . . . even one man breaking down . . . the most unlikely man.

As I have thought about the experience I realize that the words and the tears were revealing . . . what they revealed to me . . . we are just beginning to deal with the emotional and spiritual scars of Katrina . . . I thought we had, we haven't . . . my guess is that many people haven't . . . perhaps Gustav opened us to beginning to deal with those scars.

And those scars are tied to the process of transformational ministry . . . this will never be the congregation it was before Katrina . . . I had only been here for about 6 weeks before Katrina . . . since Katrina this smaller membership church has lost close to 20% of our membership . . . most of them were the "workers" . . . several of them were the spiritual giants of the church . . . but more than losing those I look in our community and see the brokenness . . . a yearning for wholeness and healing . . . a yearning for Jesus . . . it provides us an opportunity to live the Great Commission . . . will we be able to use our own brokenness to reach out to others . . . will we use the safety and comfort we find in community to offer the same to those who are facing the storms of life . . . there are so many out there.

I am preaching today at a governing body meeting . . . the sermon title "Living the Great Commission" . . . we look at our denomination and mourn our losses . . . perhaps we need to look at the world and mourn those who don't know Jesus . . . we look at our denomination and wonder what we can do . . . perhaps we need to look at the world and wonder where is God calling us to be the Church.

Tears reveal a lot about us . . ."Jesus wept." John 11:35

Lydia

After Gustav . . .

2008-09-06T20:38:00.003-05:00

I am sitting in the church office finishing up a bulletin for tomorrow . . . I will spend the night in my office as I have no electricity at home . . . the church does . . . over half of this community has no power . . . people are angry . . . I am OK as I have a place to go -- not the greatest, but it is cool . . . members of the church and others have offered a room, but I crave solitude after close quarters for a week during the evacuation . . . although I was with family, it took its tole on my introvert nature.

Arrived back today . . . traffic was terrible . . . things are a mess . . . funny how some things are open and next door stores are closed . . . national guard at all intersections . . . trees down everywhere . . . some areas aren't expected to get electricity until the 15th . . . my next door neighbors had a tree limb fall . . . a BIG one . . . it did some minor damage to their roof . . . it hit mine also, but did no damage . . . neighbors had cleaned my front yard, but the back yard is still a mess.

My heart is sad for the people who were damaged by the winds and rains of Gustav, especially one family I have heard about whose house was damaged with Katrina and lost in Rita. Gustav took the trailer the family was living in and everything they owned. If you are like me you wonder "why?" Perhaps, there is no answer . . . the answer lies in how we respond . . . will we succumb to desolation or will we rise up in faith?

God bless,

Lydia

Ike is churning out there . . . we're in the cone again . . . officials worry that another evacuation won't go as easily as this one did . . . there is the fear that some will choose not to leave . . . this is a legitimate fear. Our family left for Betsy . . . we received no damage . . . where we evacuated received a lot of damage . . . the next time the BIG ONE came (Camille) we stayed. It was terrible. Alot of people question "why" those of us who live in this area stay . . . every area seems to have their dangers . . . as people say it is home. I have lived other places . . . they weren't home.

Trusting in the Light . . .

2008-08-29T10:08:00.005-05:00

God is our mighty fortress, always ready to help in times of trouble. And so, we won't be afraid!

Let the earth tremble and the mountains tumble into the deepest sea. Let the ocean roar and foam, and its raging waves shake the mountains.

The LORD All-Powerful is with us. The God of Jacob is our fortress.

Psalm 46:1-3, 11 (CEV)

Hurricane Gustav is churning . . . although not in the direct path of Katrina we still carry the emotional and spiritual scars of her . . . anxieties are running high here . . . folks are evacuating prior to a reported mandatory evacuation.

Day before yesterday one of the projected paths indicated the house I rent may not be here when I got back . . . yesterday the projections when west . . . I was relieved . . . This morning I talked to a friend of mine who is now in the projected path . . . I feel guilty now . . . the proverbial question of our faith -- why do bad things happen to good people (sounds like a book title!).

After Camille in 1969 I attended a revival with a Baptist friend of mine . . . The preacher told us that this was God’s punishment for evil . . . When I got home my Mom and Dad asked if I had enjoyed myself . . . “no” and I told them what the preacher had said.

You see we didn’t leave for Camille . . . it was horrible . . . Five humans, one cat, two dogs and five puppies . . . huddled together in my parents bedroom while water (5 nd ½ feet rushed into our downstairs, wrecking havoc then rushing out again . . . A friend of mine with his little brother spent the night in a tree after seeing the water taking not only his house but his Mom and Dad . . . we weren’t evil . . . he and his family weren‘t evil . . . I couldn’t understand this man’s words.

For the first time as my parent talked with me I (not yet a teenager) about how some people view God differently than we do . . . My Dad guided me to some reformed writings -- my introduction to what has become a lifelong passsion . . . And this was the birth of the question that has dogged me since then . . . “why bad things happen to good people?”

It lead me to social work and an area of speciality that still rears it head from time to time . . . enticing me to a new vision of ministry . . . it was the driving force for the electives I took in seminary . . . it continues to color the way I read and think today . . . It is the question that I think we as a Church do poorly in addressing.

What I do know and what I can share that . . . " the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it" (John 1:5),

Lydia

More steps on the journey . . .

2008-08-21T06:43:00.006-05:00

A while back at Tribalchurch.org Carol asked folks about blogging. Although a novice to blogging I have been reading blogs for about two years. I began following those who were being critical of the denomination to which I belong . . . and I realize it was almost a sickness. Now, I find myself drawn to those blogs that challenge me on what it means to be a follower of Christ and pastor of a smaller membership church rediscovering what it means to be church.What does this reveal about me . . . could it somehow be a part of this journey of intentional transformational ministry that we began about a year ago? In moments when I take time to do a self assessment I find that there have been many positive changes in me, especially in my letting go of my control issues and taking time to listen . . . trying to hear what is really being said behind the words that are being said then trying to address the underlying message. This is not easy in this congregation as we don't really engage in healthy communication . . . but I don't think that this is unusual for churches . . . after all churches are imperfect because they are filled with fallible human beings.

One of the cool things happening at the church is that even in the midst of conflict over the Narthex -- Sunday one of our lay leaders addressed the congregation head on with a confession that we the governing board didn't handle things well and "were licking our wounds" but weren't giving up on making the church more hospitable. What honesty . . . but also how refreshing that he was willing to talk honestly. He didn't say it in a judgemental or condemning fashion . . . just honestly that it isn't about us it is about the "other" . . . the stranger at our door.

GET OFF THE RABBIT TRAIL . . . back to the cool thing . . . we've been working on focusing on small groups . . . one of the women in the church came Sunday to ask could she start a small group that meets to discuss the sermon . . . TO DISCUSS THE SERMON . . . "of course" . . . now although this isn't exactly a small group that will be an avenue for welcoming the "other" it does say something about people wanting to go further and deeper . . . and the great thing, "Lydia, we'd love for you to be able to come, but don't feel you have to!" . . . how great.In recent weeks I have been preaching the Kingdom parables of Matthew 13 . . . I am preaching through the parable of Matthew so the first meeting will focus on the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant . . . it will be interesting where this leads . . . last year we had a really bad conflict between two key leaders . . . this congregation is notorious for conflicts between members and between the congregation and pastor . . . intervention came too late . . . the family of one of those involved in the conflict ended up leaving . . . this week we got notification that they joined one of our sister congregations . . . the one who remains still hasn't let go of the bitterness although I think she is working on it . . . we have talked about it . . . she says "I need more time" . . . she is one of the people who is committed to attending . . . I pray that the sermon Sunday and the subsequent discussion will help her break through her wall of bitterness . . . and forgive . . . not for the other person as he may never know, but for her . . . for her relationship with Jesus . . . "Then Peter comes to Jesus to ask, 'Lord, if another member of the church sins against me, how often should I forgive? As many as seven times?' Jesus says to him, ' Not seven times, but, I tell you, seventy-seven times!"

Lydia

Trying to refocus . . .

2008-08-15T19:38:00.005-05:00

I am spending the weekend trying to refocus (and finish a sermon) as way too much has been coming my way . . . a friend use to tell me that I need to learn no . . . and I have learned to say no, but not often enough.

Sunday the CORE Team for transformation and the congregation talked about possible changes to the Narthex . . . my head has been spinning since . . . I still can't make sense of their concerns . . . I understand the fear of change . . . the fear of the unknown . . . but the veiled -- really not that veiled, threats that were made really threw me . . . and the fact is that even if these threats came to fruition it wouldn't have that great of an impact on the church tangibly . . . those who were complaining, for the most part, don't tithe (some don't even give to the church) and their involvement is primarily to attend Worship 2 to 3 Sundays out of a month. But this is what I don't get . . . these are the same people who have said that the church will die if we don't get new members . . . of course, numerical growth is a byproduct of church transformation not the goal . . . yet, they are opposed to losing 20 seats . . . "we need them for weddings (one since I have been here has been SRO), funerals, Christmas and Easter" . . . is this the function of the church? Then this, "what if those who left come back?" . . . they don't realize that they aren't coming back . . . we need to move on . . . I say, "if we need those 20 spaces it means we need a 2nd service" . . . in fact, we are talking about the possibility of a 2nd service . . . something less traditional . . . not contemporary but more of a coaching type Worship service.

Get this . . . they don't want to have fellowship in the Narthex before and after Worship because it isn't reverent . . . I could understand this if these weren't the same people who go to the Fellowship Hall to get a cup of coffee around 10am and stand around the Narthex visiting until Worship begins . . . and Sunday these were the same people that stayed around the Narthex for Fellowship almost for an hour after Worship . . . this never happened in the Fellowship Hall or when we had fellowship outside . . . what's up!

I guess what was most interesting to me is that before our conversation the sermon had asked the question what would happen if a church were to take the Great Commission seriously and 5 members converted one person a year to a personal relationship with Christ and then those converts did the same . . . at the end of a decade there would be 4000 new Christ-followers . . . the point was what might our smaller membership church look like were we to take the Great Commission seriously.

But I wonder will this ever hit home . . . we had two new families join us Sunday and an older couple come back for third time and now have about 1/2 dozen ready for membership. Of course, none of these were unchurched folks . . . this is the story of this church (most churches) . . . people move into the area and are looking for a church or get upset with their church and transfer their membership . . . and yet there are hundreds probably within a 5 mile radius of the building who are yearning for that which will fill their emptiness . . . we know that this is Jesus and yet, we won't share that Good News. I was reading something to day that indicated each congregation should have a goal of growing a net of 10% a year in membership . . . I wonder if this really shouldn't be in terms of Worship attendance and discipleship . . . unfortunately, membership in the church has come to mean very little.

Then there is still the on-going melodrama at the non-profit on whose board I serve. We still have our older members who are wanting to fire the Executive Director although we all see what a great job she is doing. Yesterday we had a CPA come in to report on the result of our Audit. At the end he said that he had been asked to comment on the salary that we were paying the Executive Director . . . by whom I am not sure, but I suspect . . . anyway he indicated that it was too much . . . I asked if he knew what her role was . . . that she was also hired as a case manager . . . that according to the state chapter of the National Association of Social Workers her pay was comparable with other salaries? . . . didn't think so!

Things are going well . . . the two women who were having problems are working well together as a management team . . . the image of the agency is changing from an entitlement agency to an agency that wants to help. Then this morning I get a call . . . there is a sick out by all the employees for today and tomorrow except for management and one employee . . . this in response to a decision by the Board to stop a decades long practice that has produced bad PR in the community.

Spent Monday through Wednesday meeting with other ministers and lay leaders in this part of the country talking about the future of our denomination . . . meetings were frustrating but hopeful. As I struggle with how we are to faithfully live out the Great Commission I am reminded of Paul's words . . .

Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! I Corinthians 9:19-23 (The Message)

Striving to live out the Great Commission,

Lydia

Trouble brewing . . .

2008-08-01T21:15:00.004-05:00

Wednesday night I received an E-mail telling me that people are not happy with making some changes to the Narthex . . . actually makingg a Narthex in the back of the Sanctuary so that we can begin to have coffee fellowship before and after Worship right there in the Worship space . . . for the past month or so we have been doing this in a cramped, dark space instead of asking folks to walk through a breezeway to our Fellowship Hall . . . we usually lose visitors this way or if the weather permits or stand outside under the drop off where the heat index can be over a 100 degrees.

The E-mail indicated that they plan to come to the next board meeting to complain.

Now let me be frank . . . I don't think this is about physical changes, I think it is about change, but I also think it is about the possibility of the church actually growing.

It is human proclivity to say we want to see something happen as long as it doesn't mean that we have to change . . . I thought we were done with this discussion, I see that we aren't . . . perhaps, for some folks it hasn't even started.

The discussions we have had at our recent Visioning Team meetings have centered on the role of the church in people's life . . . they view it as their safe place . . . we have one member who has taken exception with this image as she believes that the church isn't called to be a place of safety . . . I am not sure I agree . . . this is what I sent to her . . . interesting, more and more of our communications here at the church, especially with some of the younger, professional folk is via E-mail . . . good or bad I don't know, but it resonants with me . . . so here is part of that E-mail:

We are not all in the same place spiritually . . . and this means a couple of different things, but for this discussion I confine it to our maturity on our walk. I am reminded of Paul's first letter to the church in Corinth . . .

"My friends, you are acting like the people of this world. That's why I could not speak to you as spiritual people. You are like babies as far as your faith in Christ is concerned. So I had to treat you like babies and feed you milk. You could not take solid food, and you still cannot, because you are not yet spiritual. You are jealous and argue with each other. This proves that you are not spiritual and that you are acting like the people of this world." (I Corinthians 3:1-3)

Now, I am not being critical of any one, but the fact is that like many churches we still have immature believers who need to be weaned off milk. It saddens me that this is the case just, as it saddens me to hear people think that we don't have to change . . . and although I hear this on one level as talking about the physical plant, I think on a deeper level, without even knowing it they are speaking about their spiritual lives.

What I have come to understand is that some people are happy where they are spiritually and do not believe in the process we know of as sanctification. [As an aside: I have also come to believe that happiness is not our goal in life as Christians, contentment is our goal.] However, on the other hand, in the past several months I have been privileged to witness lives being transformed in remarkable ways as the Holy Spirit is working in and among us in this intentional process of transformation . . . people are going deeper and further with Christ . . . the Holy Spirit is sanctifying them . . . making them more holy . . . more like Jesus.

The second place I want to push is, what is the Church, even the local expression, if not the Body of Christ? If it is the Body of Christ in and to the world, it is where I am called to and sent from, it is where I am comforted and afflicted/challenged, it is where I find my refuge/safety from the storms of life and where I am strengthen to go and face the storms of life and equipped to bring others in from the storms to find refuge and safety, comfort and strengthening for those storms.

The analogy of the Desert Mothers and Fathers is reminiscence for me of the movement of the Church/church -- being called in to contemplation on and in the Holy only to be sent out to share the Holy in and to the world in word and deed, being called in to contemplation on and in the Holy only to be sent out to share the Holy in and to the world in word and deed . . . a repetitive pattern lead by the Holy Spirit, grounded in relationship with the Father through Jesus Christ. Even in the Early Church my guess is that this metaphor played a large part in the church being though of in terms of a boat -- the safety of the harbor the hazards of the seas . Leonard Sweet, a UMC minister and transformational guy has written a great book called Aqua Church with this as the overriding metaphor. Recently, I have read of a new church called The Harbor.

When Tom Bandy first challenged Debbie, Brad and me to catch a vision, mine came through a song . . . Jackson Brown's "Running on Empty." I believe there are many people both in the world and in the Church who are running on empty and that we, the Church, have the One who can really fill them up, Jesus. Brad joked that maybe we needed an old timey gas pump outside the church -- "Stop here to fill up with Jesus!" As I prayed about vision the pump turned into a water pump pumping the Living Water . . . in recent weeks the woman at the well has been on my heart. These are my visions that speak to me about who Jesus is . . . THE Source of life.

It has dawned on me as I have prayed about the trouble brewing that it is brewing because people are afraid . . . afraid that is the church changes and grows it may not be the safe harbor for them . . . so how do we help them see that it isn't either/or but can be both/and. Just as they need a safe harbor from the storms of life there are others out there that needs the safety of this harbor and they need to find the Anchor of Life -- mixing metaphors, I know, I know.

Praying for the words when we make a premptive strike this Sunday by bringing it up for open discussion at a congregational luncheon.

May God's peace surround those of us who are discerning God's voice to move forward into the 21st century,

Lydia

Still trying to find my blogging rhythm . . .

2008-07-30T14:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I don’t seem to have caught a rhythm yet to my blogging . . . It was the same thing when I use to trying journaling . . . I would start the process with such high hopes . . . Go a couple of days without journaling . . . stick it in a drawer and beat myself up. But I don’t have to do that anymore . . . therapy, it’s a good thing!

Why do I keep buying into the propaganda that things slow down in the summer . . . NOT! It seems to me that summer is sometimes the busiest time in the life of the church . . . Or this has been by experience.

My summer so far has been quite hectic yet amazing things are happening . . .

Most thrilling is how church is responding to transformational ministry . . . it really is about being open to the Holy Spirit transforming us as individuals . . . The HS has worked on me in a powerful way to move me to a place where I can let go of things . . . YEA! I don’t have to be in control.

A confession . . . in this process I realized that I liked to be in control. When I worked as a clinical social worker that was one of the things folks liked about me . . . I was willing to step in and take over when things were in chaos or were moving to chaos or when I thought I could do a better job . . . one of my first supervisors invited me to join her on her new job for this very reason . . . it served me well then, but it hadn’t served me well as a pastor.

After ten years in ministry I now understand what it means to equip the saints for ministry and set them free to do ministry . . . it has been a long journey for me to bring this attitude to the church I partner with and it has been a long journey for them . . . however for me it has been very liberating . . . and for them I pray empowering . . . even helping them discover or (re)discover what it means to be the church in and to the world.

In a few weeks we’ll have another Bible study on gift-oriented ministry . . . when I arrived three years ago I started out with a similar study . . . it didn’t seem to work . . . we only focused on finding spiritual gifts not on deploying them . . . DUH! of course not . . . I wasn’t willing to give up control . . . so I look forward to see how God will use this to move the church forward.

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but they all come from the same Spirit. There are different ways to serve the same Lord, and we can each do different things. Yet the same God works in all of us and helps us in everything we do.

The Spirit has given each of us a special way of serving others. Some of us can speak with wisdom, while others can speak with knowledge, but these gifts come from the same Spirit. To others the Spirit has given great faith or the power to heal the sick or the power to work mighty miracles. Some of us are prophets, and some of us recognize when God's Spirit is present. Others can speak different kinds of languages, and still others can tell what these languages mean. But it is the Spirit who does all this and decides which gifts to give to each of us. I Corinthians 12:4-11

Maybe not exaxtly running . . .

2008-07-20T15:47:00.011-05:00

Mark Twain is credited with saying, "the only person who likes change is a wet baby!" But the fact is that change is inevitable . . . not just because time marches on, not just becasue everything decays, but because God is still at work in the world.

I invite you to listen in on a couple of my conversations this morning . . .

Before Church School one of the men comes in to talk with me. "Lydia, we talked at the men's workday about some of the changes the governing board are discussing to the Narthex."

"And . . ."

"Well, now, the wife and I like them, but . . . it's the pews . . . some folks think we are removing them to make it look like we have more people in Worship . . . having attended the workshop with church consultant I know this isn't the reason."

The fact is that our Worship attendace is pretty good for a congregation our size. It is the highest it has been in the last decade and this is with about 15% of our congregation moving out of state after "the big one." We are having more regular attendees who Worship with us, but have not made the leap to membership -- it is a cultural thing down here, yet are actively involved in the life and work of the church.

Then before Worship starts the Treasurer comes up . . . "Do you know the secretary moved the mail boxes!" This wasn't a question, but a statement of complaint. "We are going through enought changes -- I don't need anymore!"

Is this an over reaction? No, I think not . . . just a reminder to me that change is hard . . . I know this from personal expereince . . . and she and probably more of the congregation than I realize will need extra dosages of love and pateince as we move through this process.

Maybe not running yet,

Lydia

Baby steps continue . . .

2008-07-18T12:29:00.004-05:00

Before seminary I worked in the field of mental health as a social worker. I remember something one of my supervisors said to me . . . “Lydia remember baby steps are safer for our clients and will get them where they want and need to be . . . It may take more time, but they will get there.”

Her words often play in my mind when frustration is growing with how slow we seem to be moving in this process of transformation, but now that first steps have been taken this baby seems to be gaining speed.

The church’s governing board has finally decided to get bids on making some structural changes to our sanctuary building that the church consultant suggested over six months ago . . . changes to enlarge and lightened the Narthex allowing us to us it as a gathering spot for fellowship before and after Worship.

Things we are getting bids on --

taking down the paneling and sheet rocking;
new front doors with glass;
taking out two rows of pews so to double the gathering space;
ripping out carpet and replacing with ceramic tiles;
putting in a drop ceiling with new lighting;
getting rid of bulletin boards; and
having a rack for name tags (another post).

Years ago before seminary I served on governing boards as a lay leader and couldn’t quite understand the minister’s emphasis on the appearance of the facilities . . . his words now come from my mouth . . . “yes, I understand that church is more than a building, but how the building is taken care of and how it looks says something about our relationship with God.”

A recent Minute for Transformation by one of our members used this post from the Blog GOD REVOLUTION by the Reverend James Kim over at Trinity Presbyterian Church in The Colony, TX (http://tpc-james.blogspot.com/)

Expecting Any Visitors?

Most homes have two ways of living: regular living, and "guests are coming" living.

We all know what regular living is like. That's our everyday life and everyday living. And then, when we know guests are coming over, our regular living goes through a transformation.At least in my home it does. My wife goes on alert and she begins barking orders and the rest of us come to attention to obey her orders . . .

clean up your room
take out the garbage
vacuum the house
clean the floor
straighten the living room
do the dishes
put on the coffee maker
etc.

And pretty soon, the house is in shipshape order. And we're ready to receive guests.

I mention this because churches function like our homes. We get real comfortable doing things certain ways. And we forget what it's like to be a guest or a visitor. And worse, we forget that we're expecting visitors.

A church that doesn't expect visitors has some serious problems.But a church that expects visitors and doesn't get their house in order is just plain dumb.Getting our church house in order is much more than having a clean place. It's an attitude and an expectation that visitors are indeed coming over because our people are inviting people. And just as we go out of our way in our home, church members need to think intentionally about how best we can welcome, receive, and host visitors in our church homes.

So, you expecting any visitors this weekend?

We are and we have had an increase in visitors and repeat visitors since this process began . . . coincidental?

Apollos and I are merely servants who helped you to have faith. It was the Lord who made it all happen. I planted the seeds, Apollos watered them, but God made them sprout and grow. What matters isn't those who planted or watered, but God who made the plants grow. The one who plants is just as important as the one who waters. And each one will be paid for what they do. Apollos and I work together for God, and you are God's garden and God's building. 1 Corinthians 3:5-9 (Contemporary English Version)

Learning to run,

Lydia

Transformation . . . baby steps

2008-07-13T19:31:00.003-05:00

Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you. Romans 12:2

For the past three years I have partnered with a smaller membership church (122 members). Last October, we, along with several other churches in our judiciary, begin a process of intentional transformation with a leading church consulting firm.

It has been a difficult journey . . . often I wondered how committed the congregation was to the process . . . our consultant had warned us that 1/3 would be against it, a 1/3 would be neutral and a 1/3 would get it . . . I wondered when we would see the 1/3 who got it . . . well, we are beginning to see them . . . it is amazing!

Preaching every Sunday I often wonder, “is anybody listening?” . . . every once in awhile there is the predictable “good sermon” . . . although more often I heard the whispers of displeasure . . . why all this talk about change and transformation? . . . doesn’t she think we are good enough?

Frankly, one of the most difficult parts of the journey is that it is based on personal spiritual transformation . . . based on having and sharing a personal relationship with Jesus . . . . . . going deeper and further with Jesus . . . Jesus was a name I rarely heard roll off the lips of those in the congregation . . . much less did I hear about their personal relationships with Him.

Then something happened to change all of this . . . In the adult Church School class we started studying Leonard Sweet’s “The Gospel According to Starbuck’s” . . . all of a sudden people actually started talking about Jesus and their relationship with Him . . . amazing . . . more people started attending . . . then there was a growing buzz about this new thing that God is doing . . . People seemed to be excited.

And then Wednesday night I met with the Vision Team and heard some amazing things . . . Things that came right from words of sermons that I though had fallen on deaf ears . . . Hallelujah! . . . God is at work and as one woman said . . . ‘For 3 to 4 years now we have been worried about what we can do to get people to come to our church. We can’t worry about this anymore -- we need to work on personal transformation and let God do the rest. We need to allow the Holy Spirit to prepare us to get comfortable with the stranger who will come to visit with us on a spiritual level and the only way we can do this is going deeper and further with Jesus ourselves.’

Wow! Our God is awesome! I can't wait to see what happens next on our journey.

Keeping the faith,

Lydia

Be careful what you ask of God . . .

2008-07-09T18:19:00.001-05:00

"I had a farm in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills . . ."

So begins the film “Out of Africa” -- the story of Karen Blixen’s 17 years in Kenya running a coffee plantation, There is one scene where Karen Blixen, played by Meryl Streep, and her lover, Denys Finch Hatton, portrayed by Robert Redford, are walking through the coffee fields when Blixen says, “be careful what you ask of God as He may anwser you.” I thought of this scene yesterday as the non-profit Board I sit on had another meeting . . .

The previous post ended with a prayer that God would use Sunday’s sermon to direct my course . . . well, God did . . . it wasn’t where I wanted to go! Saturday I had written my letter of resignation from the Board . . . just in case . . . you see, I had decided that I didn‘t want to deal with . . . the childishness . . . the she said, no, she said . . . the underlying currents of racism . . . the disillusionment with two people for whom I had a great deal of respect.

But God had a different plan . . . as words sprayed from my mouth Sunday morning they were piercing my heart . . . as I spoke about the ecumenical Body of Christ coming together about 20 miles from here to speak out through prayers, hymns, and hugs against the hatred bred by racism . . . God said, “you are right where I want you to be” . . . it isn’t where I want to be, but it is where God called me.

So there I was yesterday for a 3 and ½ hours meeting . . . it was not an easy meeting . . . Yet, somehow I found words that I didn‘t know I had . . . words of compassion for those who had disappointed me . . . words of healing for conflicted relationships . . . words of hope for what God is able to do . . .

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20,21 (NIV)

Wrestling . . .

2008-07-05T14:43:00.009-05:00

with decisions.

Finished the sermon early (2am) this morning . . .

The LORD God has told us what is right and what He demands:
"See that justice is done,
let mercy be your first concern,
and humbly walk with your God." Micah 6:8

As I have wrestled with this text I find myself wrestling with a situation in my own life . . . seeking what God would have me do. It is hard . . . to know what is right . . . what is pleasing to God. What, in the long run, will benefit the purpose of God in this community the most.

The dilemma . . . I serve and am an officer on a Board of Directors of a non-profit. I am one of the younger members . . . we, the younger members, see the potential for good that this agency has to make a difference in the economic and life-circumstances of the "least of these" in our community. The problem is that there are three members who have been on the board for, at a minimal of, two decades (yes, two decades) who see no need for change.

They do not see that they have created a "welfare state" for both the agency staff and for the clients . . . rather than empowering folks to reach for their God-given potential in life, we have allowed them to stay where they are . . . increasing salaries (profit-sharing, too boot) fro the employees and increasing the amounts of subsidies that we give clients for paying bills. We do not encourage folks to take advantage of programs that would help them become self-sufficient.

After several months we decided (on a split vote . . . young vs. old) to hire an Executive Director to help move the agency forward. She started June 1 . . . at a called Board Meeting Tuesday "the olds" wanted to fire her. They think she is causing problems . . . in actually she is trying to maintain the "rules" that the Board set up . . . the problems are being caused as rules are now being applied equally to all employees regardless of race.

The new Executive Director is a young African-American woman, extremely bright and talented with a deep love for this community and the downtrodden and a vision of how we can move to offering a "hand up" instead of a "hand out." The Board, with one exception, is lily white and there is even talk of "kicking the one African-American" off the board as his daughter works for the agency . . . did no one know this when he was nominated and elected to serve?

It isn't so much that they want to fire her . . . it was the racial undertones of the conversation at the last Board meeting . . . the worse of it coming from a minister and another minister's wife . . . both people who I had a great deal of respect for until that moment.

How do I remain faithful to God's call through Micah?

Sermons are to convict us of how we are to live as Christ-followers . . . as it is preached tomorrow I pray God's Spirit will speak to me in this particular circumstance and that the Holy Spirit will strenghten me to walk the path God calls me to walk

In His service,

Lydia

First step . . . changing metaphor

2008-07-04T08:08:00.005-05:00

Well, I took the big step yesterday . . . entered the blog-a-sphere. Setting up the blog was easier than I thought . . . although, I still need to learn some of the finer points . . . still can't figure out inserting pictures . . . it will come in time. Now, though, starts the harder part . . . figuring out what to blog . . . finding my blogging rhythm.

Last night while working on Sunday’s sermon I kept hearing odd noises with no idea of their source . . . for a few minutes I wondered if someone was in the attic . . . no, not possible . . . I wandered around the house . . . nothing. Then it dawned on me . . . fireworks . . . Early Fourth of July Celebrations. Certainly there will be more tonight!

This morning when I woke up my brother was on my mind . . . he passed away February 4, 2001 after a four and ½ month battle with cancer . . . when he received the diagnosis it was already stage 4. My Mother, sister and I cared for him at the family home . . . although painful it was a truly beautiful experience . . . and even though we knew what was coming there was a lot of laughter.

I wasn’t there when he passed . . . it was on a Sunday . . . I was at church.

He knew it was Sunday . . . he had asked the hospice nurse. He asked my Mother to come sing to him. She did . . . as he was taking last breathe our Mother was singing . . .

Morning has broken like the first morning;
Blackbird has spoken like the first bird.
Praise for the singing! Praise for the morning!
Praise for them springing fresh from the Word!

Morning broke for him . . . perpetual morning . . . truly that was his independence day.

Today as we celebrate the Fourth in our own unique way let us remember where we find our true freedom . . .

In Christ,

Lydia

Diving in . . .

2008-07-03T05:44:00.002-05:00

to the blog-a-sphere. So, please, be kind.

I have no illusions that my voice (words) floating through cyberspace will change the world, but my hope is that each voice that responds to this site may serve as an anam cara (soul friend) for me . . . nudging me closer and closer to the person God is calling me to me.

This blog will be constantly transforming as this novice blogger learns more of the mechanics of how to blog. Over the weekend I will add my profile.

God's blessing on you this day,

Lydia