Oh, no, NOT again . . .

Several months ago I was contacted and asked to be on an investigative team to handle an accusationn of sexual misconduct with one of the pastors in this area . . . I opted not to serve when I learned who else was on the committee (he had been on a committee I chaired and he did nothing, knew nothing about our polity, about how to interact with people) . . . God is good . . . I found out just a few days ago that the pastor has admitted to what he did -- I am not sure what that is . . . Sunday his pastoral relationship was dissolved . . . what happens next I don't know . . . what I do know is that this is the LAST guy I would have suspected . . . we were/are friends . . . he was the one person among my colleagues who I felt comfortable with in "letting it all hang out" . . . now I am questioning everything about him . . . I am questioning how he handled an informal accusation against one of the pastors in this area . . . this happened as I was going out of leadership so although I was on the fringes I now am able to put together some of the pieces and wonder if he manipulated this to let the guy off as he -- from rumblings, was involved in the somewhat the same situation . . . with the other the "problem" was resolved by the local church governing board by firing the woman and asking her to leave the church . . . by the time this done I was totally out of leadership . . . but now I understand the reason that the plan we had laid out was not followed . . . I now wonder if this was done on purpose?

The Church (and it doesn't matter what denomination) reminds me of the Japanese proverb of the Three Wise Monkeys . . . see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil . . . in some renderings of this proverb there is a 4th monkey with cross hands -- do no evil . . . now this proverb is most closely associated with what it means to live the virtuous life . . . however in this context I am using it to indicate that the Church is NOT living the virtuous life by refusing to see evil, shutting their ears to complains of evil, and not using their voice to condemn actions that assault the dignity of women, men and children by any form of clergy sexual misconduct . . . does the Church not remember that each of us are created in the Image of God.

I struggle with knowing all of this . . . it makes me complicit in a way as I am a part of the Church . . . I don't know what to do . . . I have raised my voice . . . and in raising my voice I have lost . . . so I continue to struggle praying God will open a door to letting me know how I am to be used in this situation.

Lord, have mercy

Lydia

Cancer . . .

This has been a hard week . . . there is no joy in cancer . . . I lost both my brother and my aunt to cancer . . . although my brother's passing was hard, paradoxically it was beautiful . . . my aunt's passing was very, very hard . . . it was not pretty . . . it was horrific. Yesterday I was on call . . . the Emergency Room asked that I come up to comfort a patent's mother . . . the patient is 40 years old . . . her liver has succumbed to the cancer growing inside her . . . when I went in to pray for her she reminded me a little of my aunt . . . she has battled cancer for over 1 and 1/2 years . . . had it been caught earlier the family wonders if she would have survived -- they are sitting death watch now . . . she is off all life support . . . the ER had another hospital did a CT scan 1 and 1/2 year OK . . . they didn't tell her it showed a tumor in the liver . . . at that time the tumor was at a size where it was operable . . . she went back less than 3 months later . . . she was told about the tumor and asked why she hadn't followed up . . . we will never know if she would have if she had been told about the tumor . . . my guess is that she would have . . . a police detective, divorced mother of two . . . yes, I think had she known she would have . . . would it have made a difference . . . I don't know . . . what I do know is that cancer has been eating away at not only her life but also the life of her family and friends . . . cancer is a terrible enemy that doesn't discriminate . . . I pray that God will raise up men and women who will one day find a cure for these insidious diseases that eat away at life.

But as this woman told her children (8 and 10) one day she will go home to be with God . . . and from her new home she will continue to watch over them until they are reunited . . . this young woman may have died in this physical sphere when I get to the hospital in the morning yet she will live . . . live in a glorious body no longer ravaged by disease or pain . . . glorious and beautiful just like the picture her Daddy showed me yesterday.

God bless her as she makes the journey home and God comfort her family and friends with the assurance that once home she will be free.

Lydia

The Journey Continues . . .

Many times I've been alone

and many times I've cried

Anyway you'll never know

The many ways I've tried

But still they lead me back

To the long, winding road . . .

Intense was how the supervisor of the CPE described it when I interviewed . . . in the five weeks that I have been there her words ring true . . . it is not just intense because of the external -- the work on the units, but the intensity for me is the internal work . . . of course, in a way we are always involved in internal work whether we acknowledge it or not . . . but part of CPE is getting to know more intimately who you are, what things in your past and in your present have shaped/is shaping you, what are the things that you would like to change about yourself, etc. . . . for me this internal work that takes place in the process is being supplemented by individual therapy . . . am learning alot about myself . . . some I am happy with, other things I need to work on.

In our IPR this week I heard somethings about myself that I didn't like hearing . . . I am glad I heard them . . . it wasn't something I didn't know about myself -- sometimes I communicate what I am thinking in ways that seem arrogant . . . often this comes as I tend to speak before thinking . . . my new goal -- breathe, think, speak.

The journey continues,

Lydia

Triangles and Scapegoat

In my last blog I spoke about our last IPR where I felt as if I had been thrown up the bus by one of my colleagues for triangulating her in talking to her about one of our colleagues . . . YES, I did it! . . . I owned up to it . . . she didn't. The following day she comes to me to ask if I am angry with her . . . well, yea! (DUH) but not angry as much as shocked and hurt that she did not own up to her triangularization . . . 'oh, but I did . . . I said I was getting sucked into it' . . . imho, not the same thing. I tried to explain this . . . she didn't get it. I also explained it was the way she said it . . . "I want to be your friend, but . . ." . . . so I explained that she set some very clear limits to "our friendship" and that means NO talking about our colleagues.

But what I didn't say and something that I think really pissed me off in the whole exchange is that she assumed I wanted to be more than a colleague . . . that she assumed I wanted to be her friend. One of the my therapeutic issues has been and is having boundaries in my relationships . . . some people I will be friends with . . . some will remain colleagues . . . these are different relationships with different boundaries . . . she made a BIG assumption that I wanted to be her friend . . . even before this I was not sure . . . I spent some time with her outside of work last weekend and I was uncomfortable the whole time . . . I really can't put my finger on the reason, but I was . . . in the past I have not done well listening to that small inner voice -- I call it my gut . . . not listening to it has gotten me into trouble.

As I have processed the exchange during IPR I realize that I was scapegoated . . . not only by her but by all of my colleagues that have talked nasty about one another . . . I know of at least one other that spoke to me the night before IPR . . . although she was the one who started the conversation last week she didn't own up either.

I must admit my inclination is to retreat . . . to swallow the hurt and anger . . . this is my pattern . . . the supervisor must have noticed something as she came to talk with me Friday afternoon . . . she concurs with my analysis but as she said it is not her issue, but mine . . . I had told the other woman that I would probably bring it up in the next IPR as this is the 2nd time I felt as if she threw me under the bus . . . it is amazing how alliances are shifting . . . I am not sure that I need alliances in this situation if ever . . . I need good working relationships with my colleagues and I think I have those with most and are continuing to build them . . . what I don't need is someone pointing out my bad behavior yet not being able to own up to their own. Doesn't the Bible say something about this? And why do you take note of the grain of dust in your brother's eye, but take no note of the bit of wood in your eye? (Matthew 7:3 Bible in Basic English)

And so I will not remain silent . . . I will not swallow the hurt and anger that I allowed myself to be scapegoated . . . that I allowed her comment to make it seem to the group that I was the only culprit . . . although I can not force anyone to talk I will not be complicit in their silence about what they have been doing . . . the triangles and alliances being formed . . . the bad behavior that is taking place . . . one of the convictions I have is that this is not love and we are called to love not because the person is lovable but because God is love and in each person there is a spark of the Divine as we are all created in the Divine Image.

A bump on the journey, but an important one to overcome,

Lydia

Triangles . . .

Another IPR . . . two of the female residents had approached me about one of the male residents . . . each had problems with him . . . I shared with them both my own problem with him . . . I brought my concerns up today in the group when one of the others mentioned feeling tension and he began diverting it to his feelings that we (unnamed) were talking about him behind his back . . . in the ensuing discussion one of the woman who had come to me initially to complain about him told me that I was triangulating and although she wanted to be my friend couldn't handle this . . . I heard her and apologized for putting her in this position . . . however, I did not mention that she also triangulated . . . so as I drove home I contemplated how one can see the unhealthy communications in other and yet not in themselves . . . of course, this is our human condition.

So what if anything should I do? Swallow my confusion . . . confront her privately . . . wait for the next IPR . . . gosh, I wish my session with my therapist was this week.

Praying for discernment,

Lydia

CPE Update . . .

This week marks the fourth week of my Clinical Pastoral Education residency . . . in a way it seems like it has been so much longer than a month . . . in other ways it is hard to believe that it has only been four weeks . . . dynamically, alliances have been formed -- good or bad . . . alliances seem to be part of community . . . my disappointment is in supervision.

The supervisor and I operate differently . . . she is an emotional person -- reminds us constantly that she leads from her emotions, while I am a head person . . . I am also someone who has served in administrative roles and some of my response to her in this area, but frankly some of my response to her is her supervision and boundary issues . . . I don't also remember technical terms but I am being driven crazy as there is no consistency . . . my personality craves consistency -- it is part of who I am . . . no doubt a hold over from childhood where I felt there wasn't much consistency.

Four weeks in . . . I am wondering where I will be at the end of the program . . . I would like to stay in this area, but it is looking less and less likely given the outlook for the medical community in this area . . . perhaps, further training for supervision in the CPE . . . am praying on it . . . have begun looking at programs.

I look forward to the continuing journey,

Lydia

FEAR . . .

My brother was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer 10 years ago this week . . . he had great insurance that paid 100% . . . the first time I picked up his medications it was over $2000.00 . . . I remember his asking me what happens to people who don't have insurance . . . my response was cynical, but I am afraid true, they die in a lot of pain . . . he died, too, but it is my prayer that it was without pain . . . he had every medical assistance he needed to be comfortable as he was dying. But far too many in our country . . . the greatest and wealthiest country in the world, live without benefit of insurance.

My father was sick for most of my life . . . at one point when he needed to be hospitalized the military hospital he used was full in cardiac care so he was admitted to the hospital with which I was affiliated . . . the doctor who admitted him was a doctor with whom I had had on-going discussion about universal health care . . . the afternoon my Dad was admitted this MD came over to do some work on the unit I was working . . . he told me that he had admitted my Dad and asked did I release that if we had universal health care my father would probably be dead . . . he equated advances in medicine to having privatized insurance -- I don't know that this was a legitimate equation . . . my response, though, was about quality of life . . . you see, my Dad would have told him that he had no quality of life . . . he was ready to leave this life and enter into life eternal.

I wonder today why there are so many who would deny health insurance to people . . . why we would not want insurance to have to cover pre-existing conditions . . . what is the fear of providing medical care to the millions who can't afford it? I think it has to do with fear . . . someone said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself . . . fear drives so much of the political hatred and venom today . . . and so much of it comes from good Christian people . . . the Bible tells us over and over again "fear not" . . . why do we fear? FEAR NOT!

Lydia