Friday, April 8, 2011

In a funk . . .

It has been a while since I have posted to this blog … I often wonder the reason I keep it going at all … it is more about me … about me having a place to write … about having a place to remember.

This CPE Program has been such a blessing and paradoxically a cruse! It has caused me to look honesty at myself and I don't always like what I see. Perhaps, this is a growing edge for me … seeing things in my life that I would like to change … that I have the power to change.

I struugle with relationships … I always have … I always will. As an introvert it is hard for me to let people in … as a moody person it is hard for me to always be up. I am in that kind of funk now … there are many things converging leading me to this place … I think the major one is I am feeling my own mortality … it had dawned on me that I will definitely outlive my Mother and perhaps my sister … then I will be alone … really alone … and this makes me sad.

My sister has a very severe autoimmune disorder … I have read a lot about it … people use to die, but now not so much … but in the past 6 months 3 people who have been patients at the hospital have died from the disorder … she is not doing well … her disorder is very, very severe … according to a friend who is a pathologist hers is the worst he has seen.

Praying for the Spirit to heal this funk,