Fear not . . .

It has taken awhile to decide what to do, but (glup) I did it . . . I mailed a letter with the copy of the article to the governing body where I had my last call . . . the body that chose to do nothing about this pastor who may be . . . and this is the operative phrase, "may be" a serial sexual harrasser or worse. I sent it the old fashion way . . . snail mail . . . whether it gets there before they meet I don't know . . . at least the deed is done . . . my conscious is clear . . . I have done what I felt called to do . . . it is now out of my hands.

Whenever that nagging fear surfaces . . . that it will come back to bite me in the butt . . . I repeat my mantra -- "fear not" . . . this weekend reading randomly in the Bible these word jumped out . . . "for I am with you."

The odd thing is about 2 years ago I attended a meeting with some of the folks . . . some of the leadership, in that other place . . . part of the meeting was talking about how as a denomination we could no longer pass on pastors who had demoostrated bad behavior . . . of course, this man wasn't passed on . . . he was allowed to honorably retire . . . we no longer provide for any other kind of retirement . . . jsut honorable. I wonder . . . if the allegations are all true or even half of then, what does this say about what we believe about the word honorable? Has it lost its meaning?

This isn't a new thing . . . that we pass "problemed" pastors on . . . when I was in my 20's one was passed on to our church . . . he was accused of raping a 16 year old boy . . . the boy wouldn't testify in a church trial and the other eyewitness fled the juridiction when he got wind of it . . . his wife died several years later of AIDS . . . a few years later he followed.

I serve in a governing body that works hard not to do this . . . to pass on "troubled" pastors . . . we try to get them the help they need . . . even when it causes hard feelings . . . but isn't that what you do when you love someone . . . and aren't we called to love one another?

What to do . . .

After the revelations of my last blog I have sought counsel from two spiritual mentors and an attorney . . . oh, yea -- the attorney is deeply spiritual and also deeply concerned about the Church and our denomination . . . he was helpful . . . one of the spiritual mentors responded . . . helpful and sad . . . the other didn't . . . I realize that in asking for his counsel I put him in a difficult situation . . . he is in one of the denominational regions where the tentacles from this may reach . . . after realizing this I have absolved him from response.

I have to admit it I am scared to take the counsel offered . . . fear that people will somehow use it against me . . . but should my fear combine with the blind eyes that have allowed this man to move from church to church with only God and possible victims knowing what he has done . . . he is now honorably retired . . . but my fear is that this goes back decades and that there are victims whose voices have been silent . . . who may in fact still be dealing with the pain -- the spiritual pain that a person called by God would do these things -- allegedly do these things . . . but even more than this, that other people called by God would turn a blind eye.

Worse is in between church gigs he taught in public schools . . . did anything happen there . . . are there young girls who were victims . . . I realize it isn't about sex . . . it is about power, control, his inadequacies but that doesn't erase the victims pain.

I remember when I was going through this initially my church (denomination) deserted me . . . I turned to a minister in another denomination to discuss how I was feeling torn between my strong sense of call and how I was feeling abandoned by the very men and women who had taken the same ordination vows that I did -- to be a friend among colleagues . . . where were they?

In the end I chose to be faithful to God's call both to ministry and to this particular denomination . . . but I think this is when I began seeing with new eyes.

My mantra has become "Fear not"

Lydia

The past comes back to haunt . . .

It has been almost six years since she told me about how uncomfortable he was making her . . . he had already started working subtly to break down my confidence so I felt impotent to do anything to help her . . . I went to the moderator of the appropriate committee . . . he did nothing . . . oh, yea . . . keep documentation . . . as the weeks go on I observe more things and I keep documentation . . . I also keep calling . . . finally, I am threatened with my job. In the end it costed me my job . . . six month of my life defending myself against charges that I had lied to get rid of him . . . friendships.

I have worked slowly to forgive . . . more about my moving on . . . he left the area . . . oh, yea he did lose his job . . . the investigation resulted in "boys will be boys" and "no body was hurt" -- my intrepretation. . . the church secretary felt so unsafe she quit her 15 year job . . . a church was torn apart . . . and we have no idea about what other wounds were inflicted.

I heard about two and 1/2 years ago he was called to another church . . . I prayed hard that he had changed . . . I had seen how God had redeemed the experiences for the church secretary, for myself and even the church . . . they called a wonderful solo pastor . . . I hear that he has done well in healing them . . . even though we have met he never reached out and, in fact, when I was invited over 2 years later to a celebration for the 50th anniversary of the church he had me uninvited . . . what a message to the value of my 4 year ministry there.

Last night for some odd reason I google his name . . . a lawsuit has been filed against him . . . a member of the congregation he served has accused him of false imprisonment and rape . . . the church who called him, the judicial body over that church and the denomination are also named in the suit . . the lawsuit contends that people should have known . . . the article contents that when people were told they chose not to act . . . the article related that he told her that others had tried to hurt him but they were unsuccessful so she better kept her mouth shut . . . there is also a criminal investigation.

And we wonder about the state of the Church . . . if the judicial body who had oversight of him six years ago had taken the complaints seriously . . . if the investigated committee had done their job . . . was told last year by their chair that they didn't see the documents where he admitted everything . . . of course, we just misunderstood . . . why didn't they see these documents? . . . boys will be boys . . . no one was hurt.

Now, we have an 80 year old woman who relates she was hurt . . . imprisoned, raped and threatened alledgingly . . . and again the church was unwilling to respond . . . the Church failed this man . . . I believe that he is hurt and broken . . . and how did we show him love . . . by ignoring his pain and brokenness . . . to preserve the institution

The past has come back to haunt me . . . the pain and anger is back . . . and I wonder, what do I do with what I know . . . and I am praying . . . for this woman, his other victims and for him.

Lydia