Unit 1 ends . . .

There is an old saying that time flies when you are having fun . . . the fact is time flies . . . my first unit of CPE is over . . . well, not quite as I have some work to catch up with this weekend.

So what do I think? . . . it has been challenging, but rewarding . . . it has stretched me in ways that I could never imagine . . . it has invited and forced me to look at myself critically . . . it has helped me in ways that the seminary nor the local parish did to continue exploring my own theology -- words about God . . . through this it seems that God is giving me another piece of the puzzle that is God's plan for me both in life and in ministry . . . I am now beginning to get a glimpse of what it looks like but there is still work to be done to fit the pieces together . . . discernment continues to find my next step in the journey . . . I have time and right now I am not anxious.

The most challenging thing of late has been the unit's final evaluation . . . it was a time where we had to reflect on the last three months from a variety of areas, including ourselves, our work, our theology and our interpersonal relationship . . . it was hard work, at least for me . . . for others it didn't seem to be hard work . . . this is one of the things that I have discovered about myself . . . I have high expectations of myself so have high expectations of others . . . when we don't live up to those expectations I pout . . . awareness is the first step to move out of unhealthy patterns . . . perfection is not possible . . . I have to learn how to accept that people, for the most part, do the best they can in given circumstances and if they don't they are responsible . . . the thing I wrestle with is if it affects me negatively . . . I see this in our group as folks are not willing to go deep . . . many of them want to swim on the surface and this does affect me . . . but at least I was able to say this so feel better.

Our unit ended with a day-long retreat . . . I dreaded it . . . it was great . . . a lot of time for silent reflection . . . a lot of time to think, pray and write . . . began in chapel by sitting quietly praying and then moved into the Chapel of God's Creation . . . it was a beautiful day . . . hearing, feeling, touching, smelling and seeing God's good creation all around . . . it was a good day . . . it has been a good unit . . . praise be to God.

Life and Death, Healing and Hope.

Friday I was exhausted . . . it finally dawned on me yesterday that part of that exhaustion is related to death . . . as a person I have lost people in my life . . . as a local pastor I was confronted with death on occasion but not often . . . as a chaplain in residence I am facing death almost on a daily basis . . . sometimes more than one a day, especially if I am "on call" . . . if I remember correctly one night "on call" I attended three deaths . . . one of the chaplains-in-residence has joked that she wants to trade "on call" with me as I seem to get the interesting cases . . . I am not sure that that is always true, but I do sense that I have had more deaths while serving "on-call" than many of the residents . . . all these deaths and how families respond to them, and even the patient, have lead me to a deeper appreciation of the gift of faith . . . of believing in the promise and assurance of the work Christ Jesus accomplished on the cross for us.

But there is something that is giving me pause . . . we have a Catholic priest from India who is also a chaplain-in-resident . . . a young man was admitted to the inpatient Oncology Unit . . . I entered his room as I was making rounds . . . the man was obviously in pain . . . his mother-in-law, father and a family friend where in the room . . . I introduced myself . . . the mother-in-law whispered to me . . . he was just admitted to Palliative Care -- they expect that he will pass away this afternoon or tonight . . . the patent's wife had gone to make funeral arrangements and would be back later her mother told me . . . later when I visited with the wife, knowing that they were Catholic, I asked if they wanted the priest to come and give the Anointing of the Sick (this use to be known as Last Rites) . . . she related that Father R -- the chaplain-in-residency, had already done this . . . it is my understanding that he is not to be doing this rite . . . anyway that afternoon I go to him as he is the chaplain-on-call to let him know that this man's death is imminent and he should be prepared . . . he tells me that he is OK, that he is being healed . . . I explain that the cancer has spread throughout the man's body, including his brain, and the doctor has explained to the family that death is imminent . . . the man dies that night.

Friday I am in the Palliative Care Team meeting where I learn that Father R has anointed another terminal patient who is not his patient . . . worse he has told the family that she is being healed . . . the Palliative Care Nurse has discussed this with the CPE supervisor who suggests that the family may be lying . . . I don't believe this is the case . . . Father R does believe in physical healing and I believe that he does tell some folks this . . . I heard something similar when I went on rounds with him once in pre-surgery -- this was early in our residency and I didn't see as insidiously as I do now . . . I do believe our God is a God of possibilities . . . and that God in infinite wisdom, mercy and grace can and does heal people physically . . . when my brother was dxed with terminal cancer -- the cancer was spread throughout his body, including the liver, I met a man -- a pharmacist, who had lived with liver cancer for 4 years . . . and just last Sunday I gave the invocation to a group of cancer survivors and heard remarkable stories of survival AND healing.

Shall we hold out false hope for healing when all signs point to the ultimate healing?

Roller Coaster . . .

This CPE thing is a roller coaster . . . I am learning alot both about being a chaplain and, perhaps more importantly about myself . . . the latter is not always easy. One of the things I am learning about myself is communication is a major hurdle for me . . . both as the giver and as the receiver . . . I have spoken (written) about needing to be think before I speak . . . I also am finding that I am one of those people who spends time not listening because I am trying to think of what to say . . . awareness is the first step toward change . . . I notice this happens more in IPR rather than with patients and their families . . . I have also learned that there are people who won't give direct answers and this frustrates me immensely . . . there are people who with hold information and this also frustrates me . . . and there are people who give false information then to later say "no you never heard that." And so I am learning that clear communication is necessary and am recommitted to refining my communication skills which I always thought were adequate . . . and to give myself the benefit of the doubt maybe it is the other person.

The other part of the roller coaster is that I am covering more patients . . . I had had some problems with visiting after a recent death that brought back for me my aunt's horrific death . . . for some reason . . . maybe just giving voice to it I have surmounted this hurdle and have stepped up my seeing patients.

And then there is my health . . . during my pre-employment physical the nurse sent me to a walk-in clinic for high blood pressure . . . they also found my Blood Sugars were very high . . . I was pre-diabetic, but thought it was controlled . . . evidently my monitor wasn't working right and now the dx of diabetes . . . yesterday, the doctor asked if I was willing to go on an injectable med -- not insulin . . . did some research and it is a new med and there is some indication that there is the risk for thyroid cancer in a small number of patients . . . so I am working hard to do everything I can to let the oral meds work so watching my diet, drinking more water and have to start exercising (YUCK!)

So I am working to get off the roller coaster . . .

Lydia