Sunday, October 3, 2010
Triangles and Scapegoat
In my last blog I spoke about our last IPR where I felt as if I had been thrown up the bus by one of my colleagues for triangulating her in talking to her about one of our colleagues . . . YES, I did it! . . . I owned up to it . . . she didn't. The following day she comes to me to ask if I am angry with her . . . well, yea! (DUH) but not angry as much as shocked and hurt that she did not own up to her triangularization . . . 'oh, but I did . . . I said I was getting sucked into it' . . . imho, not the same thing. I tried to explain this . . . she didn't get it. I also explained it was the way she said it . . . "I want to be your friend, but . . ." . . . so I explained that she set some very clear limits to "our friendship" and that means NO talking about our colleagues.
But what I didn't say and something that I think really pissed me off in the whole exchange is that she assumed I wanted to be more than a colleague . . . that she assumed I wanted to be her friend. One of the my therapeutic issues has been and is having boundaries in my relationships . . . some people I will be friends with . . . some will remain colleagues . . . these are different relationships with different boundaries . . . she made a BIG assumption that I wanted to be her friend . . . even before this I was not sure . . . I spent some time with her outside of work last weekend and I was uncomfortable the whole time . . . I really can't put my finger on the reason, but I was . . . in the past I have not done well listening to that small inner voice -- I call it my gut . . . not listening to it has gotten me into trouble.
As I have processed the exchange during IPR I realize that I was scapegoated . . . not only by her but by all of my colleagues that have talked nasty about one another . . . I know of at least one other that spoke to me the night before IPR . . . although she was the one who started the conversation last week she didn't own up either.
I must admit my inclination is to retreat . . . to swallow the hurt and anger . . . this is my pattern . . . the supervisor must have noticed something as she came to talk with me Friday afternoon . . . she concurs with my analysis but as she said it is not her issue, but mine . . . I had told the other woman that I would probably bring it up in the next IPR as this is the 2nd time I felt as if she threw me under the bus . . . it is amazing how alliances are shifting . . . I am not sure that I need alliances in this situation if ever . . . I need good working relationships with my colleagues and I think I have those with most and are continuing to build them . . . what I don't need is someone pointing out my bad behavior yet not being able to own up to their own. Doesn't the Bible say something about this? And why do you take note of the grain of dust in your brother's eye, but take no note of the bit of wood in your eye? (Matthew 7:3 Bible in Basic English)
And so I will not remain silent . . . I will not swallow the hurt and anger that I allowed myself to be scapegoated . . . that I allowed her comment to make it seem to the group that I was the only culprit . . . although I can not force anyone to talk I will not be complicit in their silence about what they have been doing . . . the triangles and alliances being formed . . . the bad behavior that is taking place . . . one of the convictions I have is that this is not love and we are called to love not because the person is lovable but because God is love and in each person there is a spark of the Divine as we are all created in the Divine Image.
A bump on the journey, but an important one to overcome,