Saturday, October 23, 2010

Of two minds . . .

I have been on call . . . as I am preparing the office for the next on-call chaplain I scan the patient list of my denomination as I always do to see if there is anyone in the hospital I may know . . . then I see the name Baby Boy XXXX is in the NIC Unit . . . could it be -- it has to be . . . then I see his Mother's name . . . it is . . . it is the baby whose creation was the catalyst for me leaving the last church I served . . . and even though some might have meant it for evil and destruction (yes, I know this is a strong word) God has and is using it for good . . . at least for me and I pray for all the other parties involved.
My dilemma is what do I do? I am not the chaplain assigned to either of these units -- the unit where the baby is (obviously born prematurely . . . by my calculations 4 to 6 weeks) nor the unit where his Mom is . . . but . . . might this be an opportunity to make peace . . . for closure . . . before all of this Mom and I, and her parents and I were very, very close . . . I have been present for all the family crisises for the last 5 years . . . where Mom's first child (now in college) almost died . . . for Mom's grandmother's death that same night . . . for Mom's Dad when he faced surgery . . . for Mom's Mom when she lost her job(s) . . . I feel a pull yet I don't want to do anything that will stress Mom or the family . . . on the other hand might this be God's way of giving us an opportunity for closure . . . for grace . . . for mercy . . . yes, for forgiveness.
Mom and her Mom have both tried to re-establish contact via Face Book . . . whatever their motives -- I must admit I took them for a way to be relieved of their guilt over their actions, but I can not judge their motives only how I felt . . . is this the time to extend the olive branch? . . . forgiveness doesn't mean that after this we have to be in each others' lives it simply means we are reconciled and the hurt that has passed between us may be released . . . would it? . . . would I be able to release any further the pain that I have experienced . . . no, it is released . . . do I want a relationship with either of these woman? No . . . so why do I feel this pull to visit . . . because when all is said and done she is still my sister-in-Christ and she is hurting.
Will I visit? I don't know. . . could there be consequences from the church hierarchy if I do? Could I regret it for the rest of my life is I don't? Do I hold out unrealistic expectations that something will change? Perhaps . . . perhaps. What to do, what to do?

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